Random Craziness

Well hey there

2011-11-16T20:59:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I've posted. And this will just be a short one. But today I once again realized that the Lord is mindful of me. Sometimes I rush around and do things that I shouldn't. I get caught up in myself. Sometimes I get close to doing really stupid things. Sometimes I start to think that I'm in it alone. And it's always at these moments that I'm reminded that I'm known and loved. That there is a plan and that I need to remember to be who I know I am. So here's to being better.

Once I killed a spider. A big one.

2011-06-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

So once upon a time I lived in Provo with an amazing roommate. One of the things that made said roommate so amazing was that she would kill any and all bugs in the apartment. Mainly spiders. Because, let's face it, spiders are terrifying. And we lived in a basement which, as basements do, got it's fair share of spiders.

So, pretty much, my life was perfect. We occasionally got a spider but the roommate took care of it. Until the roommate went on vacation to Europe... Naturally I was trepidatious about the potential of encountering spiders while she was away. But my home teachers (two handsome young men in a neighboring apartment) macho-ly volunteered to come over at a moments notice to kill any eight-legged creatures seeking to inhabit my home.

Unfortunately, the entitled event occurred at 5:50 AM, slightly too early to call over the home teachers. For some reason I had to be up early. My alarm went off and I jumped out of bed, stripped down, and headed for a visit to the lady's room and subsequent shower. I had no sooner sat down on the throne than I glanced down and saw a HUGE spider five inches from my bare naked foot. I sprang up and ran in to the other room. I briefly considered screaming for anyone who would wake up and come kill it. But I checked my instinct due to my nudity and the time of morning. I took deep breaths and prepared myself for battle.

First, footwear. I needed shoes. Not only shoes, but boots. Oh yes, I have boots. Leather ones with a three inch heel. I hurriedly put them on all the while worrying that the spider would mount a preemptive attack.

Once I had adequate footwear, I grabbed the Raid can conveniently located in my closet. It is important to note that spraying Raid on a large spider does not immediately result in it's death. It actually causes it to run around in aimless, scary circles (remember that scene from Arachnophobia when they shoot the spider with the flame thrower and it runs around? It's kinda like that). So it is important to have a large book on hand to throw at the now disoriented, dying arachnid. Unfortunately there wasn't a large book close. But there was a sunday school manual that I grabbed.

Prepared for battle, I headed into the bathroom. I Raided the heck out of the spider (seriously, it probably would have drowned before the insecticide killed it). When it started to slow down I slammed (well, threw forcefully) the church manual down on it. Then I ran out of the bathroom. About five minutes later I finally was able to get in the shower. Though I left the manual covering the dead carcass until I got home in the afternoon and braved moving the large dead thing to the toilet and a watery grave.

The end.

Test day thoughts

2011-04-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

If someone did a correlation study between my blog posts and my exam schedule I think they would find a 98% correlation. :)

So, recently I've been struggling a bit. It seems that I am just not the person that I want to be. And the realization that I continually fall short weighed pretty heavily on me. After talking to a friend and thinking a lot I've come to a few conclusions. You've all probably figured these things out ages ago but some of us have shallower learning curves than others :).

I'm not perfect. Not even close. I'm the least perfect person I know. But I am continually trying to be better. I have faith that as I rely on the Atonement and continue trying my best someday I will be the person I want to be. It really is by grace we are saved after all we can do.

And the other thing that I was reminded today is that life is supposed to be happy. Men are that they might have joy. Joy and hope are fruits of the Spirit and are evidence that we are progressing. I'm fairly convinced that we should focus on the positive in life, wherever we find it. I think sometimes we stand before no harsher judge than ourselves. But I do not think those feelings come from God. We are His children and because of that we have divine potential. He knew that we would fail in this life. It's really not a question. But focusing on our faults is damning. It prevents progression. What we focus on we become. So I'm determined to choose happiness and hope.

And lastly, being downhearted is really a sin of ingratitude. I have SO much. It really is incredible how blessed I am. I have family and friends who love me, the opportunity to get an education at an amazing university, a warm home to live in, a nice car to drive, I am a member of the restored Church of Jesus Christ, and I could just keep listening things indefinitely.

Ultimately, it boils down to this. I'm grateful to be who I am and where I am. I have a lot of things to work on. But as I put my faith in the Atonement I can not fail. I will eventually be the person that I want to be. That is the promise and the hope of the Atonement. It will set me at one with my Father in Heaven, who is perfect. It will make me perfect like Him. And it might take from here to eternity. But as long as I don't give up on Him, He won't give up on me. The price that was paid for me was infinite and eternal.

Well, it is time to return to the test... Writing this blog post was much more fun. Sigh, such is life :).

Flaws

2011-03-11T18:09:00.000-08:00

The mid twenties singles in the church have one thing on their minds pretty much all the time. Marriage. Dating. Rejection. Etc. Recent conversation has led me to believe that a lot of people are either looking to fall in love with someone whom they think has no flaws or are trying to find someone who's flaws are bearable and then pursue relationships. But really, I think that both ideologies are wrong.

There are two points here. First, no one is perfect. Every individual is flawed. Everyone makes mistakes and has characteristics that annoy other people. Second, if you approach life looking for everyone's faults you are sure to find them. And if you are actively aware of everyone's flaws it's impossible to "fall" in love. I quote fall because I don't really believe in falling in love. I think that love is a choice. It is the choice to see the best in an individual. It is the choice to encourage and strengthen, lift and cheer. It is the realization that for every one thing that drives you crazy there are thirty that offset it. It is also realizing that these quirks are what make a person who they are. Changing the quirks would change the whole.

Once you've made the choice to love it is hard to unmake, maybe impossible, regardless of whether the affection is returned. That's why it's so scary. Those who choose to love are vulnerable in a way that others are not. However, it is this vulnerability that truly allows one to live. If we didn't face the fear of rejection we would never know the joy of acceptance. To understand the top of the spectrum we have to experience the bottom too.

Home alone on a Friday night blogging to myself about the philosophy of love. Not pathetic at all :). It's been a rough week. I've realized just how many people in this world are willing to sell their birthright for a mess of pottage. Who throw away covenants because they aren't what they want right this very second. And it is so disheartening to watch people throw away something that you want so badly for yourself.

So ultimately it comes down to this: love is not a feeling or an emotion. It's a choice. You don't fall into it and you don't fall out of it. You choose it. You might fall into desire and lust. But not love. Marriage and other relationships based on love do not fail. Not ever.

In that same vein, I don't think that love that is given and unreturned ever fails either. Because giving love isn't about returned affection. It is given to strengthen and bless the other individual. If that happens then it's a success for both parties, even if the feeling is not mutually reciprocated.

Well, that's enough of that for a month or so. :)

Untitled

2011-03-05T07:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I start wondering what's wrong with me that boys don't like me. And then I remember. There's nothing wrong with me. I am actually kind of awesome. The end.

Poem

2011-02-13T07:48:00.000-08:00

Outside my window a new day I see,

and only I can determine what kind of day it will be.

It can be busy and sunny, laughing and gay,

or boring and cold, unhappy and gray.

My own state of mind is the determining key,

for I’m only the person I’ll let myself be.

I can be thoughtful and do all I can to help,

or be selfish and think just of myself.

I can enjoy what I do and make it seem fun,

or gripe and complain and make it hard on someone.

I can be patient with those who may not understand

or belittle and hurt them as much as I can.

But I have faith in myself, and believe what I say,

and I personally intend to make the best of each day.

author unknown

When I was in fifth grade my teacher had us memorize this poem. I like it a lot. The end.

Fear or faith

2011-01-31T08:30:00.000-08:00

Church was fantastic yesterday. Honestly, it usually is. I really don't know how I'd make it through my week without it. Yesterday, the Bishop taught Relief Society. He shared with us the story of Abraham and Sarah. The Lord promised Abraham that he and Sarah's posterity would be as numerous as the sands of the sea. Who knows the reasoning of the Lord, but Sarah did not bear Isaac until she was 90 years old. Surely there was disappointment there. Surely there were days when Sarah wondered why she could not have children. Sarah had to learn to trust the Lord and His promises. The Bishop then took us to Doctrine and Covenants 88:68 which reads, "Therefore, ^asanctify yourselves that your ^bminds become ^csingle to God, and the days will come that you shall ^dsee him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will."

He then asked us how we sanctify ourselves. I thought of Helaman 3. Through persecution the people of God become sanctified because they yield their hearts to God.

The idea of yielding my heart to God is a little scary. It's not that I don't trust Him. It's that I'm afraid of the answer. What if the answer is that my trial is to be alone. I think that is quite possibly the scariest thing that I've ever thought of. I hate the idea of being alone in this life. I know that there are eternal promises but that is not very comforting to me. I want what I want, when I want it. And learning to trust the promises and time-table of the Lord is frightening.

But here's the thing that I realized yesterday. Faith is the conscious decision to put fear aside and to trust that God knows what He is doing. And that I don't need to be afraid because everything will be fine. Doctrine and Covenants 50:41 reads, "Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me." He has overcome the world. He has all power, all knowledge. He understands me and my needs more fully than I do myself. And I need to trust Him.

The main scripture the Bishop shared with us came from one of my very favorite Book of Mormon passages. King Benjamin counsels us, "Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." (Mosiah 4:9) That is my goal. To believe in God and His power and to let that belief conquer my fear.

Forgiveness

2010-12-23T12:04:00.000-08:00

Today my Mom, Dad, Katie, and Brett are at work and Eric is in bed and I am left alone with my musings. I had a really great time with Brett yesterday. I went Christmas shopping and out to dinner with him. We drove down to Salt Lake and all around. We had a lot of really good conversations. I sure do love that brother of mine. He may have faults but he has such a good heart and I love him for it.

One of our conversations centered on forgiveness. As I've been pondering the things that I said I realize that I am not very good at the things that I preach. I, too, need to forgive some individuals. It is easy to pretend like I have forgiven but the more I've thought about it today, the more that I realized I haven't.

So, I've been studying about it. I read a book about a year ago entitled The Peacegiver. It is a fantastic book and I learned a lot from it. One of the primary points made in the book is about the commandment to forgive. It has made me think and caused me to reconsider my understanding of the principle of forgiveness. I learned that we are commanded to forgive Christ. He has already payed the price for the person who sinned against us. And that price is sufficient. It is infinite and perfect. And if it is not, then it is not sufficient to forgive me my sins. That is why we are required to forgive all people as a prerequisite for our own individual forgiveness. The same Atonement that redeems me has also redeemed the people who wrong me. By saying to Christ that His suffering is insufficient, that I want more (which is essentially what I say when I do not forgive), I preclude myself from the forgiveness wrought by the same Atonement. This is why the Lord says, "Wherefore I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." (Doctrine and Covenants 64:9-10)

Thus, the commandment to forgive becomes less about forgiveness and more of an invitation to take part in the Atonement of Christ.

And yet, though I understand this principle conceptually, actually implementing it is another story. But I'm working on it. Anyhow, that's what I've been thinking about today. Hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

Revelation

2010-12-07T08:30:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about revelation and receiving guidance from the Spirit. And I'm procrastinating studying for a test so I think I'll blog about it :).

I know that prayers are answered how they should be but sometimes it would be nice to get direction instead of just support. It makes logical sense that an answer of 'I love you Kristen. You will make it through this. Do the best you can and you will figure it out.' helps me to grow more individually than a 'you should...' answer. But it would be nice to get direct guidance once in a while. It just doesn't seem that the Lord really works that way for me. I think He does for others. It's also highly possible that I just don't really understand how the Spirit works. Learning how the Spirit speaks seems to be a life long lesson for me.

As a missionary, my mission president (President Bracha) would give us different topics to emphasize in our study every six weeks. During this six weeks we would have a conference where he spoke to us on the topic we'd been studying. On one occasion President Bracha had us study revelation. He asked each missionary to find a scripture that represented how Heavenly Father speaks to them. I struggled with this assignment. I was, at the time, training my second new missionary. I had been out for well over a year. I felt like I should understand the process of revelation much better than I did. During interviews, and before the conference, President Bracha asked me to describe how my revelation had increased since studying this topic, or something to that effect. I answered honestly, hesitantly revealing that I wasn't sure that I had ever really received revelation as a missionary. He told me that he hoped during the conference I would come to understand that I do receive revelation.

I still struggled with the assignment. No scripture seemed to fit. I studied and read and couldn't find anything that seemed right. We were to share these scriptures with each other during the conference. We got to the conference and I still didn't have one that felt right. As the missionaries began to share their scriptures one of them shared a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants section 6. While he was reading my eye went to a different scripture. The Lord, in this section, is speaking to Oliver Cowdery - an early church leader. The Lord says in verse 14, "Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast ^ainquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time." I immediately felt the Spirit confirm that I also fell in this category. The Spirit was speaking to me and I was following. If it had not been so, I would not be in the place that I was then.

This was an important lesson for me to learn. It is not necessary for me to be instructed in every matter. In fact, such instruction would be counter-productive to my progression as an individual. I have a good head on my shoulders, I know the commandments of God, and with those tools I can work through just about any problem that is placed in front of me. Sometimes I may want and seek actual direction in my life. I have found that, for me, it is not given often. And I think that is the way that it is supposed to be.

Anyway, I better get back to studying. I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am grateful for the gradual progression. I really do feel like life is making me into a better person. I know that progression is only due to the Atonement of Christ. I'm grateful to go through hard things that make me want to change and be better. It's not fun but I know it's good.

Well, that's what I've been thinking. I'm not even proof reading this so sorry if it doesn't make sense at all. :)

2010-11-21T07:24:00.000-08:00

I am a Relief Society teacher (women's organization) in my ward. I am really grateful for this calling. I am teaching today about the doctrine of baptism. This is not a doctrine which I have thought about in much depth recently. I don't even think before today I really had a spiritual witness of the covenants that I made the day that I was baptized. I am so grateful for the Spirit. That it teaches line upon line and precept upon precept. I am grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ. I know that He stands at it's head. I am grateful for the Priesthood which my father holds. With the authority, which traces directly back to Jesus Christ, that it gives him he was able to baptize me in the name of Jesus Christ. I didn't fully understand the covenants that I was making that day. I'm not sure that I still fully understand them. But I was struck today as I prepared for this lesson by the beauty of the pure doctrine of Christ. I love the Book of Mormon scripture Mosiah 5:8-9:

"And under this head ye are made free, and there is no other head whereby ye can be made free. There is no other name given whereby salvation cometh; therefore, I would that ye should take upon you the name of Christ, all you that have entered into the covenant with God that ye should be obedient unto the end of your lives. And it shall come to pass that whosoever doeth this shall be found at the right hand of God, for he shall know the name by which he is called; for he shall be called by the name of Christ."

When I read this I feel like the people of Alma who clapped their hands for joy at the thought of taking upon them the name of Christ. It also reminds me of a scripture a little later on in the book of Mosiah. Mosiah 26:18 reads, "Yea, blessed is this people who are willing to bear my name; for in my name shall they be called; and they are mine." How blessed I am to know have taken on the name of Jesus Christ. I hope that I can be true the the name by which I am called. I am so grateful that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored in it's fullness. I know that it is true. Like most things which are true, it is simple and beautiful. How grateful I am for it.

You've got a friend in me :)

2010-11-18T14:51:00.000-08:00

I can't think of anything much worse than losing a friend. Well, that's not really true. I guess there are lots of things worse than losing a friend. Like genocide and people starving to death. So, I guess what I mean is, I don't think that I've dealt with many things that are harder than having a close friend decide that they don't want to be a part of your life anymore. I know that makes it sound like I haven't gone through much. I probably haven't and I'm okay with that :).

I've just been thinking about friendship a lot lately. About times that I've let people down and times that I've been let down. The more that I think about it the more I realize that people aren't perfect. We let each other down. We say and think things that we shouldn't. And yet, if we limited our friendships only to those people who were perfect friends we wouldn't have any at all. My new goal is to be a more tolerant friend. Someone who is more charitable. And I can only hope for charity in return. Because I am one of the most flawed people I know. I am constantly making mistakes. And if I make so many mistakes how can I expect others not to?

On a lighter note, I hate baking. It's true. With cooking I can just throw caution to the wind. Throw in a little of this and a little of that and it is always delicious. Tried that with baking today... Not so successful. Anyone want some gross pumpkin chocolate chip cookies?

Science is Sexy

2010-11-16T19:02:00.000-08:00

"Science moves with the spirit of an adventure characterized both by youthful arrogance and by the belief that truth, once found, would be simple as well as pretty." --James D. Watson

A friend posted this video, produced by Harvard grad students, on her facebook wall. It's a movie that I've seen at least ten times. And each time I see it I am amazed and awed by the complexity and beauty of life. Our bodies are incredible. I love science so much. I don't fully understand the whole process but I'll give you a little narrative.

The movie details the process of diapedesis, or the traversal of a white blood cell across the blood vessel wall into the tissue in response to infection. White blood cells roll across the blood vessel. When an infection or cellular injury happens cytokines are secreted which are sensed by the rolling cell. The cytokines cause changes within the cell. These changes result in gene transcription into mRNA, translation into protein, and shipment to the cell membrane where they are inserted. The inserted receptors cause the cell to slow down and slip through the junction between cells in the blood vessel allowing the white blood cell to get out and fight the bad guys. Science is beautiful!

Video embed code

2010-11-16T19:01:00.001-08:00

What you call love...

2010-11-08T19:11:00.000-08:00

Another thing I think a lot about... relationships :). But don't worry, this is a completely philosophical post. Guster's new album has a song entitled "What you call love." The lyrics are poignant to me:

What you call love, is just urgency
What you call love is a place to turn in an emergency
Would you give up when its not what you want it to be?
But thats not love, what you call love

I like the song a lot. Over the past year I have thought a lot about relationships, particularly of the romantic variety. And I've decided, with some help from others, that we put too much stock in the Hollywood 'Californication' of marriage. (Look at me and my song references :). I'm not sure that I really believe in 'falling in love'. What does that mean anyway? Isn't it pretty much just hot, steamy lust? really is there anything passive about love? Love is a verb not a noun. You don't just fall into it. And what does a relationship based on lust give way to? Well, if the two people involved are committed to marriage, ultimately the relationship will likely progress to a long-term, enduring, warm, deep friendship. The intense, passionate feelings don't last. Intense passion is not the mark of love. And thus one who falls out of intense passion is not falling out of love but rather was probably never in love to begin with. Passion is selfish. It isn't about love at all. People don't fall out of love. Real love is not conditional. People who marry without realizing that love and passion are not the same thing have a hard lesson to learn. One that may very well end in divorce with each partner unsure of how or when they just weren't 'in love' anymore because really, they were never in love at all.

So what about people who don't fall in love? Is it possible for two people who share a warm friendship to come to the same place that people who are 'in love' do? Absolutely. I really do believe that two righteous individuals who share similar values can be and are just as happy as people who 'fall in love'.

My roommate asked me yesterday what three characteristics I want in my marriage. I replied that I want a marriage just like my parents'. The three attributes that I listed were: affectionate, mutually respectful, and fun. I think appropriate affection is important. I want a hand to hold. I want a kiss now and again in front of the kids. My grandpa used to say that the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. I believe that is true from my experiences in my family. Secondly, I want a relationship built on respect for each other. I want us to be able to believe and talk about opinions that are different from each other in a respectful manner. I want us to be able to help the other reach their fullest potential and achieve their dreams. Thirdly, I want to laugh. All the time.

Anyway, this post is really disjointed. And I really should probably get back to this take home test I'm avoiding :). Some day this whole relationship thing is going to work out. Until then I'm going to actively force thoughts about this kind of stuff out of my mind and focus on grad school. I've got lots to do. :)

What is a friend?

2010-11-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a true friend. I have had several really good friends. I think that a true friend possesses the following attributes:

1. A true friend is true at all times. They do not gossip or share confidential information that you have disclosed to them. They love you and so they defend you if someone is speaking badly of you. If they make a mistake and disclose something that they shouldn't it is always well-intentioned, ie, they are trying to do something they think will help you.
2. They want to spend time with you. You enjoy spending time together. You laugh a lot but also have real, meaningful conversation when you're together. They return phone calls, text messages, emails, and IMs when they receive them. They also initiate these things. Communication is vital for friendship. It is the way that friends convey that they care about each other.
3. They make you want to be a better person. They build you and make you better for being in their presence. They believe that you are a better person than you think you are and thus, help you see your potential.

4. This is an attribute that I struggle with but is nonetheless an attribute of a true friend: You have an open relationship. When one of you is offended or frustrated with a situation you are able to discuss it with the other in a healthy manner. You can be direct with your friend and know that they will return the same courtesy to you.

Well, I'm in lab and I need to go finish my assay. But I've been blessed with some really amazing friends. And I love you guys. Thanks for being who you are. I hope that I, in turn, can be the kind of friend that you have been to me.

Atlanta living

2010-10-11T18:40:00.000-07:00

So, I am now 3.2 months in to my graduate career. It's been a fun journey thus far. I love Atlanta. The ward here is great. Since moving here I have: gone white water rafting, gone to the world's biggest aquarium, eaten lunch at a 72nd floor restaurant that rotates around the Atlanta skyline, sat on the front row and in the club section at Braves games, drove good friends in a 27 hour 200 mile relay race, and made some really great friends! Coming soon to the list: hiking the AT (yeah, I'm in the know. That's the Appalachian Trail :). Pretty freaking sweet life. I'm glad that I'm here!

My roommate is Gina Lenzi. She is in my grad program with me and is super cool. We met during interview weekend. She bought a condo 1.3 miles from Emory. I walk to and from school through the most beautiful park every day. The weather has finally cooled off and it's absolutely beautiful here now!

I'm doing well. I'm very blessed to be where I am. I'm working hard and playing harder. It's a great life!

Musings

2010-05-19T03:47:00.000-07:00

So, I'm going to write an entry that has nothing to do with my dating life or lack thereof! I hope you're all excited... All three of you ;)

So, the other day I had an interesting conversation about religion with a guy I work with. He is a self-proclaimed agnostic/atheist. We spoke for an hour about different aspects of religion and faith. He contests that faith is not logical or empirical; that the concept of revelation is but a circular argument that cannot be contested or verified by logical means. The second point that he made is that there are no universal moral laws. He asserted that a law, to be a law, must be absolutely and irresistibly followed, as in the law of gravity. I tried my best to explain where and how faith comes but my answers seemed insufficient. Don't be thinking badly of this guy though. The conversation was very amicable. But the conversation got me thinking. I hope that I'll be able to convey those thoughts in words.

For the past year I have been studying the impact of methamphetamine on dopamine terminals in the brain. METH causes a reversal of the dopamine transport and also acts on the vesicular monamine transporter 2 which increases dopamine both intra- and extra-celluraly. Dopamine is highly reactive and quickly forms reactive oxygen species which damage the nerve terminal and can lead to long-term dopamingeric loss. Now, that seems all well and good, though slightly irrelevant to the paragraph immediately preceding this one. The point is this - a year and a half ago if someone had told me this information I may or may not have been inclined to believe them. They could be pulling garbage out of the air for all I knew. Not until I began investigating for myself was I able to understand many truths about how METH acts on dopaminergic neurons. I know that these things are truths now because I have seen the data, I have experienced it for myself. And just because I don't understand every aspect of neural transmission fully doesn't mean that I give the whole subject up completely. It just means that there is more work to be done; there is more to be studied, more to investigate.

The scientific method is not really just for science. It is a method of uncovering truth, in whatever category it may be labelled. My favorite chapter in the Book of Mormon deals with the concept of experimenting with religious truth. A prophet named Alma, teaching on the American continent prior to the birth of Christ counseled, "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (Alma 32:27). Alma counsels us to do the same thing that scientists the world over do daily, to allow our desire to know truth propel us to action and experimentation. He goes on to outline how to control for a religious experiment and how to ultimately find truth. Finding spiritual truth is much like finding scientific truth, one must start at the bottom wrung of the truth ladder and ascend step by step. I was able to understand METH's actions quickly only because previously I had put A LOT of time, effort, and desire into understanding science. Truth is never found without sincere, honest work. The same is true for the knowledge that I have of God - His existence, His Son, His plan. I know these things in a very real sense because I experimented and found truth. There is much more spiritual truth that I have left to acquire but my lack of knowledge in some things cannot erase my surety of others. I promise that anyone who desires to know of the truthfulness of God's existence and love and how it transforms lives can, if they will but muster the courage and desire to want to believe and let that desire work in them until it drives them to spiritual experimentation which always yields spiritual results.

The second point my friend made was that there are no absolute moral laws. I think the point that he was trying to make is that a law, in order to be classified as a law, must be universal. He suggested that in order to be universal, we must not be able to disobey a law. He cited the law of gravity as such a law. No matter how we try, we are always subject to the laws of gravity, we cannot choose to disobey it. I would tend to agree with the argument that law must be universal. The laws of God are more than societal implementations given by heads of state to control the masses. Let me give another example. There is a health law that just about everyone in the modern world understands. You would be hard pressed to find someone who didn't know that smoking a pack of cigarettes a day increases your chances of getting lung cancer astronomically. Yet, a hundred years ago this health "law" wasn't known. Regardless of the fact that no one understood the law they were still impacted by its reality. This is the universal aspect of the law. Unlike the law of gravity, smoking is a choice. If I choose to smoke, I accept the consequences of that action. If I choose not to smoke I reap the benefits of the law. The laws of God are the same way. Our agency, or the ability to choose, is vital to the plan of God. Therefore, His laws allow us the ability to choose but not the freedom to determine the consequences of our choices. In the end, when we choose to follow Him we find happiness and joy and when we choose not to follow him we find sadness and misery.

Anyway, those are my musings. Kind of a long post. Hope it wasn't too boring :)

2010-05-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

So, since when did facebook turn in to a dating site? It feels like LDSsingles all over again. Yes, sigh, I had an online account for 1.7 months (I couldn't actually bring myself to go on a date with anyone though... the whole they might be a serial killer thing...). Back to fb. I get a friend request from this guy I don't recognize. I look and see that he's from my hometown and we have nine mutual friends. So, I'm thinking, oh it's another one of those people I have no idea who are but we went to high school together. No big deal right? Confirm. So then I get a message from this guy saying, basically, I thought I knew you but I don't but you're cute so let's be friends. It was nice. It made me smile. I even thought about writing him back. Then, two hours later, he IMs me. Too much buddy. I'm feeling a little stalked. Maybe I'm being hypersensitive. Maybe I'm just really not interested in guys right now. But I had absolutely no desire to talk to him and I didn't. I'm such a jerk. Oh well. I've been crabby all day.

On a different note, my housing in Atlanta worked out tonight! It's a little pricey but beautiful. It's a townhome 1.6 miles from the Emory campus. It's 2 bed/2.5 bath. A girl that I roomed with during interviews at Emory who was also accepted is buying it. It should be fun. Anyway, that's about all I know. Over and out.

Ryanne will be so happy

2010-04-23T06:56:00.000-07:00

Oh look, Ryanne, a new post!!! Pretty sure you're the only one who looks at this. That's okay, cause I love your face!!!

So, I've been home sick for a whole week, and am finally starting to feel better so I thought I'd update this thing.

Lots has been going on lately. I have two weeks of work left and then I'm off to Korea for two and a half weeks. I'm home for ten days and then off to Atlanta, Georgia to pursue a PhD in molecular and systems pharmacology. I'm really nervous and really excited.

I've been thinking a lot about the decisions and circumstances that have led me to embark on this great adventure. Some things have not been what I though I wanted - like the boy I loved getting married to someone else in a week. Some things have been fantastic - my amazing boss and job, my mentors at BYU. All in all, the good and the bad, I'm glad that I am where I am today. I look at my friends who got married when they were 18 or 19 and I'm so glad that I didn't have to make that choice. I'm really glad that I've had the time to figure out who I am before jumping in to such a life altering decision. I'm excited to pursue my own dreams. Hopefully somewhere in that course I'll be able to find me an awesome man!

I have this Salt Lake theory. Salt Lake, the Mormon epicenter, is a great place for young single adults to congregate. I think that there are probably somewhere in the vicinity of 2-300,000 YSAs on the wasatch front, maybe more. My theory is that this great number is problematic. Those guys/girls in your ward - they're all right, but there's probably someone better out there than this person. And so you break up and let your need for perfection keep you from being happy with someone who may not be perfect but has a testimony and is trying to do what's right. Anyway, that shouldn't be a problem in GA. There is one singles ward in all of Atlanta with about 100 active members. I've been once. There definitely aren't as many cute boys as in Salt Lake, but there aren't NEARLY as many cute girls either... So it all works out!

Anyway, I'm excited for my adventures. I feel like Atlanta is the place where I'm supposed to be so I'm just going to jump in with both feet and figure it out as I go. Love you all!

Ta Da!

2009-09-19T20:06:00.001-07:00

So, I just went on my first blind date ever... Yeah. It wasn't bad. The guy was nice though not my type really. I don't know about blind dates though. It just doesn't seem very natural to me. I was so nervous before. I bought a new outfit and everything. I looked pretty dang good too. Wow, I think every post on this thing is about boys... Why are they so aggravatingly attractive? Life would be much easier if they weren't cute.

So, other than boys, life is pretty good. I work in a meth lab which is lots of fun. I give rats meth and then remove their brains (you don't want to know how), mush them up and do assays on them to compare how they reuptake dopamine. It's really quite fun and I enjoy it a lot. I love discovering new things. I love getting results that fly in the face of accepted knowledge and challenge what you thought was truth. It's like being a detective. Or a truth seeker. I really love the pursuit of scientific truth. I'm glad that I know what I am passionate about. It makes life much more enjoyable when you wake up and like the thought of going to work. I think all of these facts definitely qualify me as a nerd.

I am loving Salt Lake! It is a really fun place to live. I have great roommates and somehow managed to move into another fantastic ward. I am working on my grad school applications, hoping to have them in no later than November 1st. I am excited to move ahead in my career. I am applying to pharmacology and molecular biology programs at five different schools across the country. I am planning on researching cancer from a pharmacological standpoint. My plan is to get a PhD in 5 years and then go into the pharmaceutical industry.

Well, I get tired of talking about myself... Maybe that's why I don't update this too often... Oh well! Life is good and I'm happy!

New Insight

2009-05-04T16:53:00.000-07:00

So, I figured something out over the last week or so. It's actually kind of a no-brainer but lots of girls make the same mistake. I think I've figured out why I don't date and why I haven't had a boyfriend in ages. It's because boys don't like psycho girls... well not most of them anyway. Here's what I'm thinking: a boy shows interest in a certain girl, lets call her, I don't know, Jane. Jane thinks boy A is pretty cute. When they first start getting to know each other they flirt and it's fun. Both enjoy it. Soon Jane gets a little obsessed. She begins to analyze everything that boy A says, every look that he makes, everything he doesn't say. She talks about him ALL the time. She is completely consumed. She plans out things to say; she schemes up ways to get him to notice her; she tries to dress the way she thinks he likes; etc. And here's the whole problem: Jane completely changes herself around him. He can't get to know the real Jane because the contrived Jane, the one she invented to try to win the boy, is all he can see. Over the course of the next few months, Jane becomes almost completely psychotic. Eventually, she gets offended over little things. She over-reacts and is disappointed all the time. Not only is there never going to be a relationship of substance, she has jeapordized her whole friendship with boy A. He's really reserved around her. He has no idea why she gets so mad at him all the time. And what she fails to realize is that the whole reason she's hurt is her own fault. Because she's crazy. And normal boys generally don't like crazy girls. So here is what Jane must do:

1. Jane must stop analyzing every boy who shows remote interest or flirtation towards her. She should flirt and enjoy herself but not worry so much about it. If something develops, fantastic. If not, she will not only be okay, she will be happy as she learns to develop confidence in herself.
2. Any time Jane catches herself re-playing conversations over and over and thinking about what she should have said, Jane will repeat to herself, "No. I will not dwell on this." And then entertain more productive thoughts.
3. Jane must realize that she is a catch. When and, let's be honest, if she finds the right guy she wants him to love her for who she is and not for the perfect version of herself that she has formerly been trying to create. Jane may not be perfect but she is a faithful church member. She fulfills her callings. She is striving each day to be better than the day before. She is intelligent and hardworking. She is fun, loves to laugh, and is a great friend. Jane will remind herself of this fact daily because, being a girl (or maybe just being human), she is likely to forget.

The point of this whole plan is not, in actuality, for Jane to find her one true love. The purpose of the whole exercise is for Jane to be happy. If that happiness attracts someone great and if not, see rule one. Jane will be happy anyway.

So, yeah, those are my musings for the week. I'll let you know how it goes. It's working pretty well so far.

Yay! I'm graduating, empty-handed as it may be.

2009-04-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

Hello! In two days I am going to be a college graduate! So exciting! It is one of those milestone moments that you always thought would be so incredible. And now it's here and you are scared that you aren't really prepared to enter the workforce and be a contributing member of society. This is an interesting time of life. I have had wonderful experiences at BYU. I have made some incredible friends. I have also had some of my most difficult experiences. I've learned a lot about myself, particularly in the last year.

Working in the lab has been one of the best experiences that I've had in my life. I found my niche. I belong in the lab. I'm comfortable there but challenged at the same time. I love the people I work with. They are just like me: quirky, slightly (okay, considerably) nerdy, fun, outgoing, etc. I was recently at an end of year lab party with a bunch of people from the lab. One of the professors I've worked with, Dr. Busath, had us all introduce ourselves and state where we were in our academic careers. About half way through he went back and identified all those who were leaving BYU 'empty-handed,' meaning we were still single. Yes, I fall into that category. Which brings me to the other thing that I've learned these last few months of my college career.

It's been a really hard semester in the relationship department. Not that I've had one, mind you, but I about gave up on the male gender completely. Mail bombs and anthrax were heavily discussed but prison didn't seem like too much fun so they were ultimately decided against. I am still learning this semester that: I want someone who will love me the way I am (ie, not someone who makes me feel like I'm a bad person, or someone who makes me feel inadequate or unworthy) but someone who still inspires me to be a better person; I want someone who doesn't let me down, who is there when I need them to be and who cares as much about me as I do for them - I am REALLY tired of being let down repeatedly, forgiving a so-called friend, and watching it happen again and again... enough is enough! These are not immense qualifications. And they aren't things I'm going to settle on. There are other important things too, but those are the ones that I have really learned this semester. I really hope that some day I'll find someone to love me and to be loved by me. If not, I'm going to conquer the world, or cancer (or maybe AIDS), whichever comes first. Maybe I can't have it all. But I really do intend to make a difference in this world, in whatever avenue that the Lord sees fit.

Many thanks to all the friends and family who have supported and loved me. Especially to my parents who have payed for so much, bouyed me up when I didn't think I could go on, and prayed for me. And my Grandma, who let me live with her for two years and also helped pay for my education. To my siblings, who believe in me, especially Scott who spent so many hours editing my horrible papers into masterpieces. That's about it. I love you all. Thanks for being so supportive!

Gainfully employed!

2009-03-28T14:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I seem to write mostly unhappy posts. So, here is a good one! I had a job interview this week and it went really well!!! I'm super excited. It is a lab technician position in the pharmacology and toxicology lab at the U. It isn't super lucrative but it is gainful employment. So, now I'm looking for a new roommate or two and a place to live. Hopefully I'll be starting right after graduation. I'm pretty excited!

On To Happiness.

2009-03-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

I realized something profound today. An old friend wrote on my Fb wall and asked how I was doing. As I wrote her back I told her how I was honestly feeling. I said, "Things are good. They are better than I give them credit for being. I am really so blessed and I don't acknowledge that enough." Or something to that effect. I feel that way right now. For the most part I am happy. Yes, I'm ready to find someone to share my life with; yes, I don't want to be alone anymore; but in reality, that is just one aspect of a multi-faceted life. I have so many blessings. I have an incredible family who think so highly of me that I could never possibly live up to their expectations. I have friends who cheer for my victories and who cry with me through my trials. I believe in a God who forgives me for my many, many foolish mistakes. I have the ability and the opportunity to be educated. I am healthy. I have every reason to be happy. I used to always say that happiness is a decision. In the last couple of years I've stopped believing that. I've become jaded and disillusioned. I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to see the beauty in life around me. I want to feel the goodness of life every day. I want to drink it up and live every second. I really want to be the person that I was eighteen months ago. That newly returned missionary who believed in everyone and who knew who she was a where she was going. Let's be honest, I'm going to cry a lot tonight. But in the morning I'm going to choose to be happy and positive. I'm going to choose to believe in people, to love them for who they are and for what I see in them. That's who I want to be. I want to be the girl that builds up everyone she meets, who leaves every situation she encounters better than when she entered. That is my ultimate goal.

Career goals

2009-03-03T10:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm 24 now. And I feel like it's time to be an adult. It's time for me to figure out what I want to do with my life. I know that I want to get a PhD in pathology and spend my time researching disease. I feel like I'm at point A and I need to get to point D and I'm just not quite sure what points B and C are all about. So, I'm applying for jobs right now. It's a little bit of a scary thing to pick out your future. I want to find a pathological area that I am passionate about. Something that when I read journal articles about I say, "Wow, that is so cool." And I want that interest to last for forty years. I really want to pick the right thing the first time around. So, yeah. That's my biggest focus right now.

Getting under :)

2009-02-25T12:44:00.000-08:00

So, Cassie informed me one day that the best way to get over a guy is to get under another one, a little crude but it seems to be a valid point. I feel a little bad for the new guy but it sure is a pleasant diversion. Yesterday was a particularly rough day for me. I spent a ton of time with boy #1 on Monday and, as usual, was a wreck on Tuesday and into this morning. Then I went to school and cute boy #2 was so funny. He made me laugh and it made everything seem better. So just know, if you are a cute boy reading this, you have the potential to totally change the mood and outcome of a girl's day. It's a little sad how much control we let you have over us. But it's true. So there ya go.

The fences are down

2009-02-21T00:07:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't think anyone is actually reading this, which is a little bit of a relief since it's just my random mutterings. I posted a few days ago that I was giving up on the chase but I really didn't. And here's the deal. Seven years ago I fell in love with a pretty great guy. We dated for awhile and I was stuck. We broke up and, being fickle teenagers, didn't talk for several months. When our friendship was rekindled I realized that I still had strong feelings for this boy. He happened to be dating a girl who had become one of my best friends. Obviously I couldn't tell him or her or anyone except my one best friend how I felt. So I kept it inside and I slowly began to build walls to keep the hurt out. So, all through high school and my first couple years of college I was safe; safe from feeling alone and rejected. Sure I had a few crushes during those years but I never let my guard down. I had the wonderful opportunity to serve a mission. That was really safe - lock your heart. Then I came home. I moved into a university ward and started school and work again. Because of an amazing mom who followed the Spirit, I ended up with the best roommate ever! She's my best friend and she immediately started working on the wall. I don't know how she did it but she got me to hope again. And then the inevitable happened. I didn't really mean to fall in love with him but I did. He was/is everything that I want and more than I deserve. For months I hoped and prayed that one day he would realize that the girl he was looking for was me. But, it didn't happen. So a few weeks ago I realized that I needed to move on. And I'm trying really hard but I don't know how to put the fence back up. I don't know if I even want to. But I hate feeling so vulnerable all the time. I'm just so tired of never being good enough. I know that I have flaws, many of them. I just wish that for once someone could look past all that and see who I'm trying to be. Well, this is long and rambling and I probably shouldn't post it but I'm going to anyway. Goodnight.

Stalking is my new pastime...

2009-02-18T07:05:00.000-08:00

Last night was hilarious!!! To understand this story, you need a little architectural information. You see, my apartment has a little balcony with a sliding glass door. Our glass door looks directly into Reece, Brad, Steve, and David's apartment. So, last night Megan came over to have a piece of pie (yay, it's all gone!) and ended up staying and watching random youtube videos until about 11:30. As she was leaving she happened to glance out the window and see Reece doing the dishes with his blinds open, creating the fishbowl effect. We couldn't let this opportunity pass us by. So we each sent him a stalker-esque text (which were really hilarious but would take a whole nother entry to explain) and waited for him to receive them. Only, he didn't get them right away. At first we thought he didn't have his phone. We watched him do the dishes for about five more minutes (sorry, Reece, a little awkward, I know :) and were just about to give up when he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He was standing with his back turned to us reading his texts for what seemes like forever. All this time I was poised to pull shut the blinds when he turned. He finally turned, grinning, and looked out the window to see all three of us peering out at which point I quickly pulled the blinds shut. It was hilarious!!! It doesn't sound as funny as it actually was, but believe me, it was hilarious.

Truth

2009-02-11T19:52:00.000-08:00

I sat in my advanced molecular biology class this morning listening to my professor lecture on the subtle complexities of transcription. And it was beautiful. It's amazing how an isolater can separate a promoter from an enhancer and allow transcription to be regulated for all possible situations. It's amazing also that an isolater prevents unwinding of heterochromatin, separating the transcribed region from the rest of the DNA. It's amazingly complex and yet so logical and beautiful at the same time. All these truthes are further evidence to me that there is a God and because he is so meticulously aware of the minutest details in the eukaryotic cell, He is also very conscious of me as an individual. I know that He cares, in part, because I understand biological concepts. Truly all things bear witness that there is a God.

No more boys...

2009-02-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

So, I came to a conclusion as I sat in Sacrament meeting on Sunday. I decided that instead of spending my time worrying about relationships or the lack thereof, I need to be focusing on myself; my flaws, imperfections, and weaknesses. Well, maybe focusing is the wrong word. I need to work on me and not worry so much about everyone else. So, I decided to do that. And anyone who has been around me much the last couple of days will understand that my resolve has been tested immensely in the last three days. But I decided last night that I need to be more resolute. So, me and boys, for the moment, we're through. I mean sure, I'll hang out with you and be nice to you, but I am through with the chase. So, Mr. Right, if you're out there, you better do the chasing. Cause I'm refusing. I'm sick of it. I want to be chased for once. And that's all there is to it. So, in the interim, I'm going to focus on me, on making myself the best possible person I can be and not worry so much about my relationship status. In fact, I'm going to take it off Facebook right now. I'm feeling quite liberated.

Guitar troubles

2009-02-10T21:27:00.000-08:00

So, I'm learning to play the guitar. And I love it. It's so fun! Except for the F chord. I think that it's appropriately named. It's so ridiculous. My hands aren't built that way people. I really suck at it. But I just keep trying and I think I'm getting better. I have a couple awesome friends that are helping me. My roommate, Cassie, told me that she thinks watching me learn to play is one of the funniest things she's ever seen. I do randomly yell at the guitar. And occasionally let out bursts of excited energy... I tend to be a bit random at times. And I really don't have filter... I pretty much say whatever comes to mind. That gets me in trouble sometimes. Hmm... this post is REALLY random. Sorry folks. Well, people, this is a really boring blog entry. Next time I'll write something provocative, I promise.

You might be a nerd if...

2009-01-27T08:37:00.000-08:00

So, I was walking home from campus this morning carrying a bacteria loaded petri dish in my pocket. This, in and of itself, was enough to make my insides all squishy with delight. I couldn't help smiling with the thought that if I saw someone I knew I could exclaim, "Look what I have! A sweet petri dish ready to grow all sorts of nasty things that are living on the light switch of the microbiology lab!!!" As I walked through the chem building a boy came out of one of the labs wearing safety goggles and I found myself thinking, "Wow. That's kind of hot..." It was at this exact moment that I realized: I am a super nerd. And, I like it! Nerd power!!!

Heya!

2008-11-27T07:41:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

Well, I'm new to this and I'm not sure how well I like it but, oh well, I guess I'll jump on the band wagon anyway. Everyone's doing it... :) So, I don't really have anything to say except Happy Thanksgiving! What a great holiday! I think that we forget about it too much. This year I am particularly grateful for my wonderful family. I love them so much. I'm grateful for great friends who love me and whom I love! I'm grateful for The Book of Mormon and the restoration of the gospel of Christ. I'm grateful for temples that bind families together forever. I'm grateful for the cutest niece in the known universe! She is so much fun. I'm grateful for a God who hears and answers prayers and loves me even though I'm so imperfect. I'm grateful for lots more too. This is a pretty random blog post but I hope that you all enjoy this holiday season and realize just how many blessings we enjoy.

Love ya,
Kristen