Test day thoughts

If someone did a correlation study between my blog posts and my exam schedule I think they would find a 98% correlation. :)

So, recently I've been struggling a bit. It seems that I am just not the person that I want to be. And the realization that I continually fall short weighed pretty heavily on me. After talking to a friend and thinking a lot I've come to a few conclusions. You've all probably figured these things out ages ago but some of us have shallower learning curves than others :).

I'm not perfect. Not even close. I'm the least perfect person I know. But I am continually trying to be better. I have faith that as I rely on the Atonement and continue trying my best someday I will be the person I want to be. It really is by grace we are saved after all we can do.

And the other thing that I was reminded today is that life is supposed to be happy. Men are that they might have joy. Joy and hope are fruits of the Spirit and are evidence that we are progressing. I'm fairly convinced that we should focus on the positive in life, wherever we find it. I think sometimes we stand before no harsher judge than ourselves. But I do not think those feelings come from God. We are His children and because of that we have divine potential. He knew that we would fail in this life. It's really not a question. But focusing on our faults is damning. It prevents progression. What we focus on we become. So I'm determined to choose happiness and hope.

And lastly, being downhearted is really a sin of ingratitude. I have SO much. It really is incredible how blessed I am. I have family and friends who love me, the opportunity to get an education at an amazing university, a warm home to live in, a nice car to drive, I am a member of the restored Church of Jesus Christ, and I could just keep listening things indefinitely.

Ultimately, it boils down to this. I'm grateful to be who I am and where I am. I have a lot of things to work on. But as I put my faith in the Atonement I can not fail. I will eventually be the person that I want to be. That is the promise and the hope of the Atonement. It will set me at one with my Father in Heaven, who is perfect. It will make me perfect like Him. And it might take from here to eternity. But as long as I don't give up on Him, He won't give up on me. The price that was paid for me was infinite and eternal.

Well, it is time to return to the test... Writing this blog post was much more fun. Sigh, such is life :).

Flaws

The mid twenties singles in the church have one thing on their minds pretty much all the time. Marriage. Dating. Rejection. Etc. Recent conversation has led me to believe that a lot of people are either looking to fall in love with someone whom they think has no flaws or are trying to find someone who's flaws are bearable and then pursue relationships. But really, I think that both ideologies are wrong.

There are two points here. First, no one is perfect. Every individual is flawed. Everyone makes mistakes and has characteristics that annoy other people. Second, if you approach life looking for everyone's faults you are sure to find them. And if you are actively aware of everyone's flaws it's impossible to "fall" in love. I quote fall because I don't really believe in falling in love. I think that love is a choice. It is the choice to see the best in an individual. It is the choice to encourage and strengthen, lift and cheer. It is the realization that for every one thing that drives you crazy there are thirty that offset it. It is also realizing that these quirks are what make a person who they are. Changing the quirks would change the whole.

Once you've made the choice to love it is hard to unmake, maybe impossible, regardless of whether the affection is returned. That's why it's so scary. Those who choose to love are vulnerable in a way that others are not. However, it is this vulnerability that truly allows one to live. If we didn't face the fear of rejection we would never know the joy of acceptance. To understand the top of the spectrum we have to experience the bottom too.

Home alone on a Friday night blogging to myself about the philosophy of love. Not pathetic at all :). It's been a rough week. I've realized just how many people in this world are willing to sell their birthright for a mess of pottage. Who throw away covenants because they aren't what they want right this very second. And it is so disheartening to watch people throw away something that you want so badly for yourself.

So ultimately it comes down to this: love is not a feeling or an emotion. It's a choice. You don't fall into it and you don't fall out of it. You choose it. You might fall into desire and lust. But not love. Marriage and other relationships based on love do not fail. Not ever.

In that same vein, I don't think that love that is given and unreturned ever fails either. Because giving love isn't about returned affection. It is given to strengthen and bless the other individual. If that happens then it's a success for both parties, even if the feeling is not mutually reciprocated.

Well, that's enough of that for a month or so. :)

Untitled

Sometimes I start wondering what's wrong with me that boys don't like me. And then I remember. There's nothing wrong with me. I am actually kind of awesome. The end.

Poem

Outside my window a new day I see,

and only I can determine what kind of day it will be.

It can be busy and sunny, laughing and gay,

or boring and cold, unhappy and gray.

My own state of mind is the determining key,

for I’m only the person I’ll let myself be.

I can be thoughtful and do all I can to help,

or be selfish and think just of myself.

I can enjoy what I do and make it seem fun,

or gripe and complain and make it hard on someone.

I can be patient with those who may not understand

or belittle and hurt them as much as I can.

But I have faith in myself, and believe what I say,

and I personally intend to make the best of each day.

author unknown

When I was in fifth grade my teacher had us memorize this poem. I like it a lot. The end.

Fear or faith

Church was fantastic yesterday. Honestly, it usually is. I really don't know how I'd make it through my week without it. Yesterday, the Bishop taught Relief Society. He shared with us the story of Abraham and Sarah. The Lord promised Abraham that he and Sarah's posterity would be as numerous as the sands of the sea. Who knows the reasoning of the Lord, but Sarah did not bear Isaac until she was 90 years old. Surely there was disappointment there. Surely there were days when Sarah wondered why she could not have children. Sarah had to learn to trust the Lord and His promises. The Bishop then took us to Doctrine and Covenants 88:68 which reads, "Therefore, ^asanctify yourselves that your ^bminds become ^csingle to God, and the days will come that you shall ^dsee him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will."

He then asked us how we sanctify ourselves. I thought of Helaman 3. Through persecution the people of God become sanctified because they yield their hearts to God.

The idea of yielding my heart to God is a little scary. It's not that I don't trust Him. It's that I'm afraid of the answer. What if the answer is that my trial is to be alone. I think that is quite possibly the scariest thing that I've ever thought of. I hate the idea of being alone in this life. I know that there are eternal promises but that is not very comforting to me. I want what I want, when I want it. And learning to trust the promises and time-table of the Lord is frightening.

But here's the thing that I realized yesterday. Faith is the conscious decision to put fear aside and to trust that God knows what He is doing. And that I don't need to be afraid because everything will be fine. Doctrine and Covenants 50:41 reads, "Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me." He has overcome the world. He has all power, all knowledge. He understands me and my needs more fully than I do myself. And I need to trust Him.

The main scripture the Bishop shared with us came from one of my very favorite Book of Mormon passages. King Benjamin counsels us, "Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." (Mosiah 4:9) That is my goal. To believe in God and His power and to let that belief conquer my fear.

Forgiveness

Today my Mom, Dad, Katie, and Brett are at work and Eric is in bed and I am left alone with my musings. I had a really great time with Brett yesterday. I went Christmas shopping and out to dinner with him. We drove down to Salt Lake and all around. We had a lot of really good conversations. I sure do love that brother of mine. He may have faults but he has such a good heart and I love him for it.

One of our conversations centered on forgiveness. As I've been pondering the things that I said I realize that I am not very good at the things that I preach. I, too, need to forgive some individuals. It is easy to pretend like I have forgiven but the more I've thought about it today, the more that I realized I haven't.

So, I've been studying about it. I read a book about a year ago entitled The Peacegiver. It is a fantastic book and I learned a lot from it. One of the primary points made in the book is about the commandment to forgive. It has made me think and caused me to reconsider my understanding of the principle of forgiveness. I learned that we are commanded to forgive Christ. He has already payed the price for the person who sinned against us. And that price is sufficient. It is infinite and perfect. And if it is not, then it is not sufficient to forgive me my sins. That is why we are required to forgive all people as a prerequisite for our own individual forgiveness. The same Atonement that redeems me has also redeemed the people who wrong me. By saying to Christ that His suffering is insufficient, that I want more (which is essentially what I say when I do not forgive), I preclude myself from the forgiveness wrought by the same Atonement. This is why the Lord says, "Wherefore I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." (Doctrine and Covenants 64:9-10)

Thus, the commandment to forgive becomes less about forgiveness and more of an invitation to take part in the Atonement of Christ.

And yet, though I understand this principle conceptually, actually implementing it is another story. But I'm working on it. Anyhow, that's what I've been thinking about today. Hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

Revelation

I've been thinking a lot about revelation and receiving guidance from the Spirit. And I'm procrastinating studying for a test so I think I'll blog about it :).

I know that prayers are answered how they should be but sometimes it would be nice to get direction instead of just support. It makes logical sense that an answer of 'I love you Kristen. You will make it through this. Do the best you can and you will figure it out.' helps me to grow more individually than a 'you should...' answer. But it would be nice to get direct guidance once in a while. It just doesn't seem that the Lord really works that way for me. I think He does for others. It's also highly possible that I just don't really understand how the Spirit works. Learning how the Spirit speaks seems to be a life long lesson for me.

As a missionary, my mission president (President Bracha) would give us different topics to emphasize in our study every six weeks. During this six weeks we would have a conference where he spoke to us on the topic we'd been studying. On one occasion President Bracha had us study revelation. He asked each missionary to find a scripture that represented how Heavenly Father speaks to them. I struggled with this assignment. I was, at the time, training my second new missionary. I had been out for well over a year. I felt like I should understand the process of revelation much better than I did. During interviews, and before the conference, President Bracha asked me to describe how my revelation had increased since studying this topic, or something to that effect. I answered honestly, hesitantly revealing that I wasn't sure that I had ever really received revelation as a missionary. He told me that he hoped during the conference I would come to understand that I do receive revelation.

I still struggled with the assignment. No scripture seemed to fit. I studied and read and couldn't find anything that seemed right. We were to share these scriptures with each other during the conference. We got to the conference and I still didn't have one that felt right. As the missionaries began to share their scriptures one of them shared a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants section 6. While he was reading my eye went to a different scripture. The Lord, in this section, is speaking to Oliver Cowdery - an early church leader. The Lord says in verse 14, "Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast ^ainquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time." I immediately felt the Spirit confirm that I also fell in this category. The Spirit was speaking to me and I was following. If it had not been so, I would not be in the place that I was then.

This was an important lesson for me to learn. It is not necessary for me to be instructed in every matter. In fact, such instruction would be counter-productive to my progression as an individual. I have a good head on my shoulders, I know the commandments of God, and with those tools I can work through just about any problem that is placed in front of me. Sometimes I may want and seek actual direction in my life. I have found that, for me, it is not given often. And I think that is the way that it is supposed to be.

Anyway, I better get back to studying. I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am grateful for the gradual progression. I really do feel like life is making me into a better person. I know that progression is only due to the Atonement of Christ. I'm grateful to go through hard things that make me want to change and be better. It's not fun but I know it's good.

Well, that's what I've been thinking. I'm not even proof reading this so sorry if it doesn't make sense at all. :)