Musings

So, I'm going to write an entry that has nothing to do with my dating life or lack thereof! I hope you're all excited... All three of you ;)

So, the other day I had an interesting conversation about religion with a guy I work with. He is a self-proclaimed agnostic/atheist. We spoke for an hour about different aspects of religion and faith. He contests that faith is not logical or empirical; that the concept of revelation is but a circular argument that cannot be contested or verified by logical means. The second point that he made is that there are no universal moral laws. He asserted that a law, to be a law, must be absolutely and irresistibly followed, as in the law of gravity. I tried my best to explain where and how faith comes but my answers seemed insufficient. Don't be thinking badly of this guy though. The conversation was very amicable. But the conversation got me thinking. I hope that I'll be able to convey those thoughts in words.

For the past year I have been studying the impact of methamphetamine on dopamine terminals in the brain. METH causes a reversal of the dopamine transport and also acts on the vesicular monamine transporter 2 which increases dopamine both intra- and extra-celluraly. Dopamine is highly reactive and quickly forms reactive oxygen species which damage the nerve terminal and can lead to long-term dopamingeric loss. Now, that seems all well and good, though slightly irrelevant to the paragraph immediately preceding this one. The point is this - a year and a half ago if someone had told me this information I may or may not have been inclined to believe them. They could be pulling garbage out of the air for all I knew. Not until I began investigating for myself was I able to understand many truths about how METH acts on dopaminergic neurons. I know that these things are truths now because I have seen the data, I have experienced it for myself. And just because I don't understand every aspect of neural transmission fully doesn't mean that I give the whole subject up completely. It just means that there is more work to be done; there is more to be studied, more to investigate.

The scientific method is not really just for science. It is a method of uncovering truth, in whatever category it may be labelled. My favorite chapter in the Book of Mormon deals with the concept of experimenting with religious truth. A prophet named Alma, teaching on the American continent prior to the birth of Christ counseled, "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (Alma 32:27). Alma counsels us to do the same thing that scientists the world over do daily, to allow our desire to know truth propel us to action and experimentation. He goes on to outline how to control for a religious experiment and how to ultimately find truth. Finding spiritual truth is much like finding scientific truth, one must start at the bottom wrung of the truth ladder and ascend step by step. I was able to understand METH's actions quickly only because previously I had put A LOT of time, effort, and desire into understanding science. Truth is never found without sincere, honest work. The same is true for the knowledge that I have of God - His existence, His Son, His plan. I know these things in a very real sense because I experimented and found truth. There is much more spiritual truth that I have left to acquire but my lack of knowledge in some things cannot erase my surety of others. I promise that anyone who desires to know of the truthfulness of God's existence and love and how it transforms lives can, if they will but muster the courage and desire to want to believe and let that desire work in them until it drives them to spiritual experimentation which always yields spiritual results.

The second point my friend made was that there are no absolute moral laws. I think the point that he was trying to make is that a law, in order to be classified as a law, must be universal. He suggested that in order to be universal, we must not be able to disobey a law. He cited the law of gravity as such a law. No matter how we try, we are always subject to the laws of gravity, we cannot choose to disobey it. I would tend to agree with the argument that law must be universal. The laws of God are more than societal implementations given by heads of state to control the masses. Let me give another example. There is a health law that just about everyone in the modern world understands. You would be hard pressed to find someone who didn't know that smoking a pack of cigarettes a day increases your chances of getting lung cancer astronomically. Yet, a hundred years ago this health "law" wasn't known. Regardless of the fact that no one understood the law they were still impacted by its reality. This is the universal aspect of the law. Unlike the law of gravity, smoking is a choice. If I choose to smoke, I accept the consequences of that action. If I choose not to smoke I reap the benefits of the law. The laws of God are the same way. Our agency, or the ability to choose, is vital to the plan of God. Therefore, His laws allow us the ability to choose but not the freedom to determine the consequences of our choices. In the end, when we choose to follow Him we find happiness and joy and when we choose not to follow him we find sadness and misery.

Anyway, those are my musings. Kind of a long post. Hope it wasn't too boring :)

So, since when did facebook turn in to a dating site? It feels like LDSsingles all over again. Yes, sigh, I had an online account for 1.7 months (I couldn't actually bring myself to go on a date with anyone though... the whole they might be a serial killer thing...). Back to fb. I get a friend request from this guy I don't recognize. I look and see that he's from my hometown and we have nine mutual friends. So, I'm thinking, oh it's another one of those people I have no idea who are but we went to high school together. No big deal right? Confirm. So then I get a message from this guy saying, basically, I thought I knew you but I don't but you're cute so let's be friends. It was nice. It made me smile. I even thought about writing him back. Then, two hours later, he IMs me. Too much buddy. I'm feeling a little stalked. Maybe I'm being hypersensitive. Maybe I'm just really not interested in guys right now. But I had absolutely no desire to talk to him and I didn't. I'm such a jerk. Oh well. I've been crabby all day.

On a different note, my housing in Atlanta worked out tonight! It's a little pricey but beautiful. It's a townhome 1.6 miles from the Emory campus. It's 2 bed/2.5 bath. A girl that I roomed with during interviews at Emory who was also accepted is buying it. It should be fun. Anyway, that's about all I know. Over and out.

Ryanne will be so happy

Oh look, Ryanne, a new post!!! Pretty sure you're the only one who looks at this. That's okay, cause I love your face!!!

So, I've been home sick for a whole week, and am finally starting to feel better so I thought I'd update this thing.

Lots has been going on lately. I have two weeks of work left and then I'm off to Korea for two and a half weeks. I'm home for ten days and then off to Atlanta, Georgia to pursue a PhD in molecular and systems pharmacology. I'm really nervous and really excited.

I've been thinking a lot about the decisions and circumstances that have led me to embark on this great adventure. Some things have not been what I though I wanted - like the boy I loved getting married to someone else in a week. Some things have been fantastic - my amazing boss and job, my mentors at BYU. All in all, the good and the bad, I'm glad that I am where I am today. I look at my friends who got married when they were 18 or 19 and I'm so glad that I didn't have to make that choice. I'm really glad that I've had the time to figure out who I am before jumping in to such a life altering decision. I'm excited to pursue my own dreams. Hopefully somewhere in that course I'll be able to find me an awesome man!

I have this Salt Lake theory. Salt Lake, the Mormon epicenter, is a great place for young single adults to congregate. I think that there are probably somewhere in the vicinity of 2-300,000 YSAs on the wasatch front, maybe more. My theory is that this great number is problematic. Those guys/girls in your ward - they're all right, but there's probably someone better out there than this person. And so you break up and let your need for perfection keep you from being happy with someone who may not be perfect but has a testimony and is trying to do what's right. Anyway, that shouldn't be a problem in GA. There is one singles ward in all of Atlanta with about 100 active members. I've been once. There definitely aren't as many cute boys as in Salt Lake, but there aren't NEARLY as many cute girls either... So it all works out!

Anyway, I'm excited for my adventures. I feel like Atlanta is the place where I'm supposed to be so I'm just going to jump in with both feet and figure it out as I go. Love you all!

Ta Da!

So, I just went on my first blind date ever... Yeah. It wasn't bad. The guy was nice though not my type really. I don't know about blind dates though. It just doesn't seem very natural to me. I was so nervous before. I bought a new outfit and everything. I looked pretty dang good too. Wow, I think every post on this thing is about boys... Why are they so aggravatingly attractive? Life would be much easier if they weren't cute.

So, other than boys, life is pretty good. I work in a meth lab which is lots of fun. I give rats meth and then remove their brains (you don't want to know how), mush them up and do assays on them to compare how they reuptake dopamine. It's really quite fun and I enjoy it a lot. I love discovering new things. I love getting results that fly in the face of accepted knowledge and challenge what you thought was truth. It's like being a detective. Or a truth seeker. I really love the pursuit of scientific truth. I'm glad that I know what I am passionate about. It makes life much more enjoyable when you wake up and like the thought of going to work. I think all of these facts definitely qualify me as a nerd.

I am loving Salt Lake! It is a really fun place to live. I have great roommates and somehow managed to move into another fantastic ward. I am working on my grad school applications, hoping to have them in no later than November 1st. I am excited to move ahead in my career. I am applying to pharmacology and molecular biology programs at five different schools across the country. I am planning on researching cancer from a pharmacological standpoint. My plan is to get a PhD in 5 years and then go into the pharmaceutical industry.

Well, I get tired of talking about myself... Maybe that's why I don't update this too often... Oh well! Life is good and I'm happy!

New Insight

So, I figured something out over the last week or so. It's actually kind of a no-brainer but lots of girls make the same mistake. I think I've figured out why I don't date and why I haven't had a boyfriend in ages. It's because boys don't like psycho girls... well not most of them anyway. Here's what I'm thinking: a boy shows interest in a certain girl, lets call her, I don't know, Jane. Jane thinks boy A is pretty cute. When they first start getting to know each other they flirt and it's fun. Both enjoy it. Soon Jane gets a little obsessed. She begins to analyze everything that boy A says, every look that he makes, everything he doesn't say. She talks about him ALL the time. She is completely consumed. She plans out things to say; she schemes up ways to get him to notice her; she tries to dress the way she thinks he likes; etc. And here's the whole problem: Jane completely changes herself around him. He can't get to know the real Jane because the contrived Jane, the one she invented to try to win the boy, is all he can see. Over the course of the next few months, Jane becomes almost completely psychotic. Eventually, she gets offended over little things. She over-reacts and is disappointed all the time. Not only is there never going to be a relationship of substance, she has jeapordized her whole friendship with boy A. He's really reserved around her. He has no idea why she gets so mad at him all the time. And what she fails to realize is that the whole reason she's hurt is her own fault. Because she's crazy. And normal boys generally don't like crazy girls. So here is what Jane must do:

1. Jane must stop analyzing every boy who shows remote interest or flirtation towards her. She should flirt and enjoy herself but not worry so much about it. If something develops, fantastic. If not, she will not only be okay, she will be happy as she learns to develop confidence in herself.
2. Any time Jane catches herself re-playing conversations over and over and thinking about what she should have said, Jane will repeat to herself, "No. I will not dwell on this." And then entertain more productive thoughts.
3. Jane must realize that she is a catch. When and, let's be honest, if she finds the right guy she wants him to love her for who she is and not for the perfect version of herself that she has formerly been trying to create. Jane may not be perfect but she is a faithful church member. She fulfills her callings. She is striving each day to be better than the day before. She is intelligent and hardworking. She is fun, loves to laugh, and is a great friend. Jane will remind herself of this fact daily because, being a girl (or maybe just being human), she is likely to forget.

The point of this whole plan is not, in actuality, for Jane to find her one true love. The purpose of the whole exercise is for Jane to be happy. If that happiness attracts someone great and if not, see rule one. Jane will be happy anyway.

So, yeah, those are my musings for the week. I'll let you know how it goes. It's working pretty well so far.

Yay! I'm graduating, empty-handed as it may be.

Hello! In two days I am going to be a college graduate! So exciting! It is one of those milestone moments that you always thought would be so incredible. And now it's here and you are scared that you aren't really prepared to enter the workforce and be a contributing member of society. This is an interesting time of life. I have had wonderful experiences at BYU. I have made some incredible friends. I have also had some of my most difficult experiences. I've learned a lot about myself, particularly in the last year.

Working in the lab has been one of the best experiences that I've had in my life. I found my niche. I belong in the lab. I'm comfortable there but challenged at the same time. I love the people I work with. They are just like me: quirky, slightly (okay, considerably) nerdy, fun, outgoing, etc. I was recently at an end of year lab party with a bunch of people from the lab. One of the professors I've worked with, Dr. Busath, had us all introduce ourselves and state where we were in our academic careers. About half way through he went back and identified all those who were leaving BYU 'empty-handed,' meaning we were still single. Yes, I fall into that category. Which brings me to the other thing that I've learned these last few months of my college career.

It's been a really hard semester in the relationship department. Not that I've had one, mind you, but I about gave up on the male gender completely. Mail bombs and anthrax were heavily discussed but prison didn't seem like too much fun so they were ultimately decided against. I am still learning this semester that: I want someone who will love me the way I am (ie, not someone who makes me feel like I'm a bad person, or someone who makes me feel inadequate or unworthy) but someone who still inspires me to be a better person; I want someone who doesn't let me down, who is there when I need them to be and who cares as much about me as I do for them - I am REALLY tired of being let down repeatedly, forgiving a so-called friend, and watching it happen again and again... enough is enough! These are not immense qualifications. And they aren't things I'm going to settle on. There are other important things too, but those are the ones that I have really learned this semester. I really hope that some day I'll find someone to love me and to be loved by me. If not, I'm going to conquer the world, or cancer (or maybe AIDS), whichever comes first. Maybe I can't have it all. But I really do intend to make a difference in this world, in whatever avenue that the Lord sees fit.

Many thanks to all the friends and family who have supported and loved me. Especially to my parents who have payed for so much, bouyed me up when I didn't think I could go on, and prayed for me. And my Grandma, who let me live with her for two years and also helped pay for my education. To my siblings, who believe in me, especially Scott who spent so many hours editing my horrible papers into masterpieces. That's about it. I love you all. Thanks for being so supportive!

Gainfully employed!

Well, I seem to write mostly unhappy posts. So, here is a good one! I had a job interview this week and it went really well!!! I'm super excited. It is a lab technician position in the pharmacology and toxicology lab at the U. It isn't super lucrative but it is gainful employment. So, now I'm looking for a new roommate or two and a place to live. Hopefully I'll be starting right after graduation. I'm pretty excited!