What you call love...

Another thing I think a lot about... relationships :). But don't worry, this is a completely philosophical post. Guster's new album has a song entitled "What you call love." The lyrics are poignant to me:

What you call love, is just urgency
What you call love is a place to turn in an emergency
Would you give up when its not what you want it to be?
But thats not love, what you call love

I like the song a lot. Over the past year I have thought a lot about relationships, particularly of the romantic variety. And I've decided, with some help from others, that we put too much stock in the Hollywood 'Californication' of marriage. (Look at me and my song references :). I'm not sure that I really believe in 'falling in love'. What does that mean anyway? Isn't it pretty much just hot, steamy lust? really is there anything passive about love? Love is a verb not a noun. You don't just fall into it. And what does a relationship based on lust give way to? Well, if the two people involved are committed to marriage, ultimately the relationship will likely progress to a long-term, enduring, warm, deep friendship. The intense, passionate feelings don't last. Intense passion is not the mark of love. And thus one who falls out of intense passion is not falling out of love but rather was probably never in love to begin with. Passion is selfish. It isn't about love at all. People don't fall out of love. Real love is not conditional. People who marry without realizing that love and passion are not the same thing have a hard lesson to learn. One that may very well end in divorce with each partner unsure of how or when they just weren't 'in love' anymore because really, they were never in love at all.

So what about people who don't fall in love? Is it possible for two people who share a warm friendship to come to the same place that people who are 'in love' do? Absolutely. I really do believe that two righteous individuals who share similar values can be and are just as happy as people who 'fall in love'.

My roommate asked me yesterday what three characteristics I want in my marriage. I replied that I want a marriage just like my parents'. The three attributes that I listed were: affectionate, mutually respectful, and fun. I think appropriate affection is important. I want a hand to hold. I want a kiss now and again in front of the kids. My grandpa used to say that the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. I believe that is true from my experiences in my family. Secondly, I want a relationship built on respect for each other. I want us to be able to believe and talk about opinions that are different from each other in a respectful manner. I want us to be able to help the other reach their fullest potential and achieve their dreams. Thirdly, I want to laugh. All the time.

Anyway, this post is really disjointed. And I really should probably get back to this take home test I'm avoiding :). Some day this whole relationship thing is going to work out. Until then I'm going to actively force thoughts about this kind of stuff out of my mind and focus on grad school. I've got lots to do. :)