Ta Da!

So, I just went on my first blind date ever... Yeah. It wasn't bad. The guy was nice though not my type really. I don't know about blind dates though. It just doesn't seem very natural to me. I was so nervous before. I bought a new outfit and everything. I looked pretty dang good too. Wow, I think every post on this thing is about boys... Why are they so aggravatingly attractive? Life would be much easier if they weren't cute.

So, other than boys, life is pretty good. I work in a meth lab which is lots of fun. I give rats meth and then remove their brains (you don't want to know how), mush them up and do assays on them to compare how they reuptake dopamine. It's really quite fun and I enjoy it a lot. I love discovering new things. I love getting results that fly in the face of accepted knowledge and challenge what you thought was truth. It's like being a detective. Or a truth seeker. I really love the pursuit of scientific truth. I'm glad that I know what I am passionate about. It makes life much more enjoyable when you wake up and like the thought of going to work. I think all of these facts definitely qualify me as a nerd.

I am loving Salt Lake! It is a really fun place to live. I have great roommates and somehow managed to move into another fantastic ward. I am working on my grad school applications, hoping to have them in no later than November 1st. I am excited to move ahead in my career. I am applying to pharmacology and molecular biology programs at five different schools across the country. I am planning on researching cancer from a pharmacological standpoint. My plan is to get a PhD in 5 years and then go into the pharmaceutical industry.

Well, I get tired of talking about myself... Maybe that's why I don't update this too often... Oh well! Life is good and I'm happy!

New Insight

So, I figured something out over the last week or so. It's actually kind of a no-brainer but lots of girls make the same mistake. I think I've figured out why I don't date and why I haven't had a boyfriend in ages. It's because boys don't like psycho girls... well not most of them anyway. Here's what I'm thinking: a boy shows interest in a certain girl, lets call her, I don't know, Jane. Jane thinks boy A is pretty cute. When they first start getting to know each other they flirt and it's fun. Both enjoy it. Soon Jane gets a little obsessed. She begins to analyze everything that boy A says, every look that he makes, everything he doesn't say. She talks about him ALL the time. She is completely consumed. She plans out things to say; she schemes up ways to get him to notice her; she tries to dress the way she thinks he likes; etc. And here's the whole problem: Jane completely changes herself around him. He can't get to know the real Jane because the contrived Jane, the one she invented to try to win the boy, is all he can see. Over the course of the next few months, Jane becomes almost completely psychotic. Eventually, she gets offended over little things. She over-reacts and is disappointed all the time. Not only is there never going to be a relationship of substance, she has jeapordized her whole friendship with boy A. He's really reserved around her. He has no idea why she gets so mad at him all the time. And what she fails to realize is that the whole reason she's hurt is her own fault. Because she's crazy. And normal boys generally don't like crazy girls. So here is what Jane must do:

1. Jane must stop analyzing every boy who shows remote interest or flirtation towards her. She should flirt and enjoy herself but not worry so much about it. If something develops, fantastic. If not, she will not only be okay, she will be happy as she learns to develop confidence in herself.
2. Any time Jane catches herself re-playing conversations over and over and thinking about what she should have said, Jane will repeat to herself, "No. I will not dwell on this." And then entertain more productive thoughts.
3. Jane must realize that she is a catch. When and, let's be honest, if she finds the right guy she wants him to love her for who she is and not for the perfect version of herself that she has formerly been trying to create. Jane may not be perfect but she is a faithful church member. She fulfills her callings. She is striving each day to be better than the day before. She is intelligent and hardworking. She is fun, loves to laugh, and is a great friend. Jane will remind herself of this fact daily because, being a girl (or maybe just being human), she is likely to forget.

The point of this whole plan is not, in actuality, for Jane to find her one true love. The purpose of the whole exercise is for Jane to be happy. If that happiness attracts someone great and if not, see rule one. Jane will be happy anyway.

So, yeah, those are my musings for the week. I'll let you know how it goes. It's working pretty well so far.

Yay! I'm graduating, empty-handed as it may be.

Hello! In two days I am going to be a college graduate! So exciting! It is one of those milestone moments that you always thought would be so incredible. And now it's here and you are scared that you aren't really prepared to enter the workforce and be a contributing member of society. This is an interesting time of life. I have had wonderful experiences at BYU. I have made some incredible friends. I have also had some of my most difficult experiences. I've learned a lot about myself, particularly in the last year.

Working in the lab has been one of the best experiences that I've had in my life. I found my niche. I belong in the lab. I'm comfortable there but challenged at the same time. I love the people I work with. They are just like me: quirky, slightly (okay, considerably) nerdy, fun, outgoing, etc. I was recently at an end of year lab party with a bunch of people from the lab. One of the professors I've worked with, Dr. Busath, had us all introduce ourselves and state where we were in our academic careers. About half way through he went back and identified all those who were leaving BYU 'empty-handed,' meaning we were still single. Yes, I fall into that category. Which brings me to the other thing that I've learned these last few months of my college career.

It's been a really hard semester in the relationship department. Not that I've had one, mind you, but I about gave up on the male gender completely. Mail bombs and anthrax were heavily discussed but prison didn't seem like too much fun so they were ultimately decided against. I am still learning this semester that: I want someone who will love me the way I am (ie, not someone who makes me feel like I'm a bad person, or someone who makes me feel inadequate or unworthy) but someone who still inspires me to be a better person; I want someone who doesn't let me down, who is there when I need them to be and who cares as much about me as I do for them - I am REALLY tired of being let down repeatedly, forgiving a so-called friend, and watching it happen again and again... enough is enough! These are not immense qualifications. And they aren't things I'm going to settle on. There are other important things too, but those are the ones that I have really learned this semester. I really hope that some day I'll find someone to love me and to be loved by me. If not, I'm going to conquer the world, or cancer (or maybe AIDS), whichever comes first. Maybe I can't have it all. But I really do intend to make a difference in this world, in whatever avenue that the Lord sees fit.

Many thanks to all the friends and family who have supported and loved me. Especially to my parents who have payed for so much, bouyed me up when I didn't think I could go on, and prayed for me. And my Grandma, who let me live with her for two years and also helped pay for my education. To my siblings, who believe in me, especially Scott who spent so many hours editing my horrible papers into masterpieces. That's about it. I love you all. Thanks for being so supportive!

Gainfully employed!

Well, I seem to write mostly unhappy posts. So, here is a good one! I had a job interview this week and it went really well!!! I'm super excited. It is a lab technician position in the pharmacology and toxicology lab at the U. It isn't super lucrative but it is gainful employment. So, now I'm looking for a new roommate or two and a place to live. Hopefully I'll be starting right after graduation. I'm pretty excited!

On To Happiness.

I realized something profound today. An old friend wrote on my Fb wall and asked how I was doing. As I wrote her back I told her how I was honestly feeling. I said, "Things are good. They are better than I give them credit for being. I am really so blessed and I don't acknowledge that enough." Or something to that effect. I feel that way right now. For the most part I am happy. Yes, I'm ready to find someone to share my life with; yes, I don't want to be alone anymore; but in reality, that is just one aspect of a multi-faceted life. I have so many blessings. I have an incredible family who think so highly of me that I could never possibly live up to their expectations. I have friends who cheer for my victories and who cry with me through my trials. I believe in a God who forgives me for my many, many foolish mistakes. I have the ability and the opportunity to be educated. I am healthy. I have every reason to be happy. I used to always say that happiness is a decision. In the last couple of years I've stopped believing that. I've become jaded and disillusioned. I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to see the beauty in life around me. I want to feel the goodness of life every day. I want to drink it up and live every second. I really want to be the person that I was eighteen months ago. That newly returned missionary who believed in everyone and who knew who she was a where she was going. Let's be honest, I'm going to cry a lot tonight. But in the morning I'm going to choose to be happy and positive. I'm going to choose to believe in people, to love them for who they are and for what I see in them. That's who I want to be. I want to be the girl that builds up everyone she meets, who leaves every situation she encounters better than when she entered. That is my ultimate goal.

Career goals

Well, I'm 24 now. And I feel like it's time to be an adult. It's time for me to figure out what I want to do with my life. I know that I want to get a PhD in pathology and spend my time researching disease. I feel like I'm at point A and I need to get to point D and I'm just not quite sure what points B and C are all about. So, I'm applying for jobs right now. It's a little bit of a scary thing to pick out your future. I want to find a pathological area that I am passionate about. Something that when I read journal articles about I say, "Wow, that is so cool." And I want that interest to last for forty years. I really want to pick the right thing the first time around. So, yeah. That's my biggest focus right now.

Getting under :)

So, Cassie informed me one day that the best way to get over a guy is to get under another one, a little crude but it seems to be a valid point. I feel a little bad for the new guy but it sure is a pleasant diversion. Yesterday was a particularly rough day for me. I spent a ton of time with boy #1 on Monday and, as usual, was a wreck on Tuesday and into this morning. Then I went to school and cute boy #2 was so funny. He made me laugh and it made everything seem better. So just know, if you are a cute boy reading this, you have the potential to totally change the mood and outcome of a girl's day. It's a little sad how much control we let you have over us. But it's true. So there ya go.

The fences are down

Well, I don't think anyone is actually reading this, which is a little bit of a relief since it's just my random mutterings. I posted a few days ago that I was giving up on the chase but I really didn't. And here's the deal. Seven years ago I fell in love with a pretty great guy. We dated for awhile and I was stuck. We broke up and, being fickle teenagers, didn't talk for several months. When our friendship was rekindled I realized that I still had strong feelings for this boy. He happened to be dating a girl who had become one of my best friends. Obviously I couldn't tell him or her or anyone except my one best friend how I felt. So I kept it inside and I slowly began to build walls to keep the hurt out. So, all through high school and my first couple years of college I was safe; safe from feeling alone and rejected. Sure I had a few crushes during those years but I never let my guard down. I had the wonderful opportunity to serve a mission. That was really safe - lock your heart. Then I came home. I moved into a university ward and started school and work again. Because of an amazing mom who followed the Spirit, I ended up with the best roommate ever! She's my best friend and she immediately started working on the wall. I don't know how she did it but she got me to hope again. And then the inevitable happened. I didn't really mean to fall in love with him but I did. He was/is everything that I want and more than I deserve. For months I hoped and prayed that one day he would realize that the girl he was looking for was me. But, it didn't happen. So a few weeks ago I realized that I needed to move on. And I'm trying really hard but I don't know how to put the fence back up. I don't know if I even want to. But I hate feeling so vulnerable all the time. I'm just so tired of never being good enough. I know that I have flaws, many of them. I just wish that for once someone could look past all that and see who I'm trying to be. Well, this is long and rambling and I probably shouldn't post it but I'm going to anyway. Goodnight.

Stalking is my new pastime...

Last night was hilarious!!! To understand this story, you need a little architectural information. You see, my apartment has a little balcony with a sliding glass door. Our glass door looks directly into Reece, Brad, Steve, and David's apartment. So, last night Megan came over to have a piece of pie (yay, it's all gone!) and ended up staying and watching random youtube videos until about 11:30. As she was leaving she happened to glance out the window and see Reece doing the dishes with his blinds open, creating the fishbowl effect. We couldn't let this opportunity pass us by. So we each sent him a stalker-esque text (which were really hilarious but would take a whole nother entry to explain) and waited for him to receive them. Only, he didn't get them right away. At first we thought he didn't have his phone. We watched him do the dishes for about five more minutes (sorry, Reece, a little awkward, I know :) and were just about to give up when he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He was standing with his back turned to us reading his texts for what seemes like forever. All this time I was poised to pull shut the blinds when he turned. He finally turned, grinning, and looked out the window to see all three of us peering out at which point I quickly pulled the blinds shut. It was hilarious!!! It doesn't sound as funny as it actually was, but believe me, it was hilarious.

Truth

I sat in my advanced molecular biology class this morning listening to my professor lecture on the subtle complexities of transcription. And it was beautiful. It's amazing how an isolater can separate a promoter from an enhancer and allow transcription to be regulated for all possible situations. It's amazing also that an isolater prevents unwinding of heterochromatin, separating the transcribed region from the rest of the DNA. It's amazingly complex and yet so logical and beautiful at the same time. All these truthes are further evidence to me that there is a God and because he is so meticulously aware of the minutest details in the eukaryotic cell, He is also very conscious of me as an individual. I know that He cares, in part, because I understand biological concepts. Truly all things bear witness that there is a God.

No more boys...

So, I came to a conclusion as I sat in Sacrament meeting on Sunday. I decided that instead of spending my time worrying about relationships or the lack thereof, I need to be focusing on myself; my flaws, imperfections, and weaknesses. Well, maybe focusing is the wrong word. I need to work on me and not worry so much about everyone else. So, I decided to do that. And anyone who has been around me much the last couple of days will understand that my resolve has been tested immensely in the last three days. But I decided last night that I need to be more resolute. So, me and boys, for the moment, we're through. I mean sure, I'll hang out with you and be nice to you, but I am through with the chase. So, Mr. Right, if you're out there, you better do the chasing. Cause I'm refusing. I'm sick of it. I want to be chased for once. And that's all there is to it. So, in the interim, I'm going to focus on me, on making myself the best possible person I can be and not worry so much about my relationship status. In fact, I'm going to take it off Facebook right now. I'm feeling quite liberated.

Guitar troubles

So, I'm learning to play the guitar. And I love it. It's so fun! Except for the F chord. I think that it's appropriately named. It's so ridiculous. My hands aren't built that way people. I really suck at it. But I just keep trying and I think I'm getting better. I have a couple awesome friends that are helping me. My roommate, Cassie, told me that she thinks watching me learn to play is one of the funniest things she's ever seen. I do randomly yell at the guitar. And occasionally let out bursts of excited energy... I tend to be a bit random at times. And I really don't have filter... I pretty much say whatever comes to mind. That gets me in trouble sometimes. Hmm... this post is REALLY random. Sorry folks. Well, people, this is a really boring blog entry. Next time I'll write something provocative, I promise.

You might be a nerd if...

So, I was walking home from campus this morning carrying a bacteria loaded petri dish in my pocket. This, in and of itself, was enough to make my insides all squishy with delight. I couldn't help smiling with the thought that if I saw someone I knew I could exclaim, "Look what I have! A sweet petri dish ready to grow all sorts of nasty things that are living on the light switch of the microbiology lab!!!" As I walked through the chem building a boy came out of one of the labs wearing safety goggles and I found myself thinking, "Wow. That's kind of hot..." It was at this exact moment that I realized: I am a super nerd. And, I like it! Nerd power!!!