Well hey there

It's been awhile since I've posted.  And this will just be a short one.  But today I once again realized that the Lord is mindful of me.  Sometimes I rush around and do things that I shouldn't.  I get caught up in myself.  Sometimes I get close to doing really stupid things.  Sometimes I start to think that I'm in it alone.  And it's always at these moments that I'm reminded that I'm known and loved.  That there is a plan and that I need to remember to be who I  know I am.  So here's to being better. 

Once I killed a spider. A big one.

So once upon a time I lived in Provo with an amazing roommate. One of the things that made said roommate so amazing was that she would kill any and all bugs in the apartment. Mainly spiders. Because, let's face it, spiders are terrifying. And we lived in a basement which, as basements do, got it's fair share of spiders.

So, pretty much, my life was perfect. We occasionally got a spider but the roommate took care of it. Until the roommate went on vacation to Europe... Naturally I was trepidatious about the potential of encountering spiders while she was away. But my home teachers (two handsome young men in a neighboring apartment) macho-ly volunteered to come over at a moments notice to kill any eight-legged creatures seeking to inhabit my home.

Unfortunately, the entitled event occurred at 5:50 AM, slightly too early to call over the home teachers. For some reason I had to be up early. My alarm went off and I jumped out of bed, stripped down, and headed for a visit to the lady's room and subsequent shower. I had no sooner sat down on the throne than I glanced down and saw a HUGE spider five inches from my bare naked foot. I sprang up and ran in to the other room. I briefly considered screaming for anyone who would wake up and come kill it. But I checked my instinct due to my nudity and the time of morning. I took deep breaths and prepared myself for battle.

First, footwear. I needed shoes. Not only shoes, but boots. Oh yes, I have boots. Leather ones with a three inch heel. I hurriedly put them on all the while worrying that the spider would mount a preemptive attack.

Once I had adequate footwear, I grabbed the Raid can conveniently located in my closet. It is important to note that spraying Raid on a large spider does not immediately result in it's death. It actually causes it to run around in aimless, scary circles (remember that scene from Arachnophobia when they shoot the spider with the flame thrower and it runs around? It's kinda like that). So it is important to have a large book on hand to throw at the now disoriented, dying arachnid. Unfortunately there wasn't a large book close. But there was a sunday school manual that I grabbed.

Prepared for battle, I headed into the bathroom. I Raided the heck out of the spider (seriously, it probably would have drowned before the insecticide killed it). When it started to slow down I slammed (well, threw forcefully) the church manual down on it. Then I ran out of the bathroom. About five minutes later I finally was able to get in the shower. Though I left the manual covering the dead carcass until I got home in the afternoon and braved moving the large dead thing to the toilet and a watery grave.

The end.

Test day thoughts

If someone did a correlation study between my blog posts and my exam schedule I think they would find a 98% correlation. :)

So, recently I've been struggling a bit. It seems that I am just not the person that I want to be. And the realization that I continually fall short weighed pretty heavily on me. After talking to a friend and thinking a lot I've come to a few conclusions. You've all probably figured these things out ages ago but some of us have shallower learning curves than others :).

I'm not perfect. Not even close. I'm the least perfect person I know. But I am continually trying to be better. I have faith that as I rely on the Atonement and continue trying my best someday I will be the person I want to be. It really is by grace we are saved after all we can do.

And the other thing that I was reminded today is that life is supposed to be happy. Men are that they might have joy. Joy and hope are fruits of the Spirit and are evidence that we are progressing. I'm fairly convinced that we should focus on the positive in life, wherever we find it. I think sometimes we stand before no harsher judge than ourselves. But I do not think those feelings come from God. We are His children and because of that we have divine potential. He knew that we would fail in this life. It's really not a question. But focusing on our faults is damning. It prevents progression. What we focus on we become. So I'm determined to choose happiness and hope.

And lastly, being downhearted is really a sin of ingratitude. I have SO much. It really is incredible how blessed I am. I have family and friends who love me, the opportunity to get an education at an amazing university, a warm home to live in, a nice car to drive, I am a member of the restored Church of Jesus Christ, and I could just keep listening things indefinitely.

Ultimately, it boils down to this. I'm grateful to be who I am and where I am. I have a lot of things to work on. But as I put my faith in the Atonement I can not fail. I will eventually be the person that I want to be. That is the promise and the hope of the Atonement. It will set me at one with my Father in Heaven, who is perfect. It will make me perfect like Him. And it might take from here to eternity. But as long as I don't give up on Him, He won't give up on me. The price that was paid for me was infinite and eternal.

Well, it is time to return to the test... Writing this blog post was much more fun. Sigh, such is life :).

Flaws

The mid twenties singles in the church have one thing on their minds pretty much all the time. Marriage. Dating. Rejection. Etc. Recent conversation has led me to believe that a lot of people are either looking to fall in love with someone whom they think has no flaws or are trying to find someone who's flaws are bearable and then pursue relationships. But really, I think that both ideologies are wrong.

There are two points here. First, no one is perfect. Every individual is flawed. Everyone makes mistakes and has characteristics that annoy other people. Second, if you approach life looking for everyone's faults you are sure to find them. And if you are actively aware of everyone's flaws it's impossible to "fall" in love. I quote fall because I don't really believe in falling in love. I think that love is a choice. It is the choice to see the best in an individual. It is the choice to encourage and strengthen, lift and cheer. It is the realization that for every one thing that drives you crazy there are thirty that offset it. It is also realizing that these quirks are what make a person who they are. Changing the quirks would change the whole.

Once you've made the choice to love it is hard to unmake, maybe impossible, regardless of whether the affection is returned. That's why it's so scary. Those who choose to love are vulnerable in a way that others are not. However, it is this vulnerability that truly allows one to live. If we didn't face the fear of rejection we would never know the joy of acceptance. To understand the top of the spectrum we have to experience the bottom too.

Home alone on a Friday night blogging to myself about the philosophy of love. Not pathetic at all :). It's been a rough week. I've realized just how many people in this world are willing to sell their birthright for a mess of pottage. Who throw away covenants because they aren't what they want right this very second. And it is so disheartening to watch people throw away something that you want so badly for yourself.

So ultimately it comes down to this: love is not a feeling or an emotion. It's a choice. You don't fall into it and you don't fall out of it. You choose it. You might fall into desire and lust. But not love. Marriage and other relationships based on love do not fail. Not ever.

In that same vein, I don't think that love that is given and unreturned ever fails either. Because giving love isn't about returned affection. It is given to strengthen and bless the other individual. If that happens then it's a success for both parties, even if the feeling is not mutually reciprocated.

Well, that's enough of that for a month or so. :)

Untitled

Sometimes I start wondering what's wrong with me that boys don't like me. And then I remember. There's nothing wrong with me. I am actually kind of awesome. The end.

Poem

Outside my window a new day I see,

and only I can determine what kind of day it will be.

It can be busy and sunny, laughing and gay,

or boring and cold, unhappy and gray.

My own state of mind is the determining key,

for I’m only the person I’ll let myself be.

I can be thoughtful and do all I can to help,

or be selfish and think just of myself.

I can enjoy what I do and make it seem fun,

or gripe and complain and make it hard on someone.

I can be patient with those who may not understand

or belittle and hurt them as much as I can.

But I have faith in myself, and believe what I say,

and I personally intend to make the best of each day.

author unknown

When I was in fifth grade my teacher had us memorize this poem. I like it a lot. The end.

Fear or faith

Church was fantastic yesterday. Honestly, it usually is. I really don't know how I'd make it through my week without it. Yesterday, the Bishop taught Relief Society. He shared with us the story of Abraham and Sarah. The Lord promised Abraham that he and Sarah's posterity would be as numerous as the sands of the sea. Who knows the reasoning of the Lord, but Sarah did not bear Isaac until she was 90 years old. Surely there was disappointment there. Surely there were days when Sarah wondered why she could not have children. Sarah had to learn to trust the Lord and His promises. The Bishop then took us to Doctrine and Covenants 88:68 which reads, "Therefore, ^asanctify yourselves that your ^bminds become ^csingle to God, and the days will come that you shall ^dsee him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will."

He then asked us how we sanctify ourselves. I thought of Helaman 3. Through persecution the people of God become sanctified because they yield their hearts to God.

The idea of yielding my heart to God is a little scary. It's not that I don't trust Him. It's that I'm afraid of the answer. What if the answer is that my trial is to be alone. I think that is quite possibly the scariest thing that I've ever thought of. I hate the idea of being alone in this life. I know that there are eternal promises but that is not very comforting to me. I want what I want, when I want it. And learning to trust the promises and time-table of the Lord is frightening.

But here's the thing that I realized yesterday. Faith is the conscious decision to put fear aside and to trust that God knows what He is doing. And that I don't need to be afraid because everything will be fine. Doctrine and Covenants 50:41 reads, "Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me." He has overcome the world. He has all power, all knowledge. He understands me and my needs more fully than I do myself. And I need to trust Him.

The main scripture the Bishop shared with us came from one of my very favorite Book of Mormon passages. King Benjamin counsels us, "Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." (Mosiah 4:9) That is my goal. To believe in God and His power and to let that belief conquer my fear.