The fences are down

Well, I don't think anyone is actually reading this, which is a little bit of a relief since it's just my random mutterings. I posted a few days ago that I was giving up on the chase but I really didn't. And here's the deal. Seven years ago I fell in love with a pretty great guy. We dated for awhile and I was stuck. We broke up and, being fickle teenagers, didn't talk for several months. When our friendship was rekindled I realized that I still had strong feelings for this boy. He happened to be dating a girl who had become one of my best friends. Obviously I couldn't tell him or her or anyone except my one best friend how I felt. So I kept it inside and I slowly began to build walls to keep the hurt out. So, all through high school and my first couple years of college I was safe; safe from feeling alone and rejected. Sure I had a few crushes during those years but I never let my guard down. I had the wonderful opportunity to serve a mission. That was really safe - lock your heart. Then I came home. I moved into a university ward and started school and work again. Because of an amazing mom who followed the Spirit, I ended up with the best roommate ever! She's my best friend and she immediately started working on the wall. I don't know how she did it but she got me to hope again. And then the inevitable happened. I didn't really mean to fall in love with him but I did. He was/is everything that I want and more than I deserve. For months I hoped and prayed that one day he would realize that the girl he was looking for was me. But, it didn't happen. So a few weeks ago I realized that I needed to move on. And I'm trying really hard but I don't know how to put the fence back up. I don't know if I even want to. But I hate feeling so vulnerable all the time. I'm just so tired of never being good enough. I know that I have flaws, many of them. I just wish that for once someone could look past all that and see who I'm trying to be. Well, this is long and rambling and I probably shouldn't post it but I'm going to anyway. Goodnight.