Forgiveness

Today my Mom, Dad, Katie, and Brett are at work and Eric is in bed and I am left alone with my musings. I had a really great time with Brett yesterday. I went Christmas shopping and out to dinner with him. We drove down to Salt Lake and all around. We had a lot of really good conversations. I sure do love that brother of mine. He may have faults but he has such a good heart and I love him for it.

One of our conversations centered on forgiveness. As I've been pondering the things that I said I realize that I am not very good at the things that I preach. I, too, need to forgive some individuals. It is easy to pretend like I have forgiven but the more I've thought about it today, the more that I realized I haven't.

So, I've been studying about it. I read a book about a year ago entitled The Peacegiver. It is a fantastic book and I learned a lot from it. One of the primary points made in the book is about the commandment to forgive. It has made me think and caused me to reconsider my understanding of the principle of forgiveness. I learned that we are commanded to forgive Christ. He has already payed the price for the person who sinned against us. And that price is sufficient. It is infinite and perfect. And if it is not, then it is not sufficient to forgive me my sins. That is why we are required to forgive all people as a prerequisite for our own individual forgiveness. The same Atonement that redeems me has also redeemed the people who wrong me. By saying to Christ that His suffering is insufficient, that I want more (which is essentially what I say when I do not forgive), I preclude myself from the forgiveness wrought by the same Atonement. This is why the Lord says, "Wherefore I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." (Doctrine and Covenants 64:9-10)

Thus, the commandment to forgive becomes less about forgiveness and more of an invitation to take part in the Atonement of Christ.

And yet, though I understand this principle conceptually, actually implementing it is another story. But I'm working on it. Anyhow, that's what I've been thinking about today. Hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

Revelation

I've been thinking a lot about revelation and receiving guidance from the Spirit. And I'm procrastinating studying for a test so I think I'll blog about it :).

I know that prayers are answered how they should be but sometimes it would be nice to get direction instead of just support. It makes logical sense that an answer of 'I love you Kristen. You will make it through this. Do the best you can and you will figure it out.' helps me to grow more individually than a 'you should...' answer. But it would be nice to get direct guidance once in a while. It just doesn't seem that the Lord really works that way for me. I think He does for others. It's also highly possible that I just don't really understand how the Spirit works. Learning how the Spirit speaks seems to be a life long lesson for me.

As a missionary, my mission president (President Bracha) would give us different topics to emphasize in our study every six weeks. During this six weeks we would have a conference where he spoke to us on the topic we'd been studying. On one occasion President Bracha had us study revelation. He asked each missionary to find a scripture that represented how Heavenly Father speaks to them. I struggled with this assignment. I was, at the time, training my second new missionary. I had been out for well over a year. I felt like I should understand the process of revelation much better than I did. During interviews, and before the conference, President Bracha asked me to describe how my revelation had increased since studying this topic, or something to that effect. I answered honestly, hesitantly revealing that I wasn't sure that I had ever really received revelation as a missionary. He told me that he hoped during the conference I would come to understand that I do receive revelation.

I still struggled with the assignment. No scripture seemed to fit. I studied and read and couldn't find anything that seemed right. We were to share these scriptures with each other during the conference. We got to the conference and I still didn't have one that felt right. As the missionaries began to share their scriptures one of them shared a scripture from Doctrine and Covenants section 6. While he was reading my eye went to a different scripture. The Lord, in this section, is speaking to Oliver Cowdery - an early church leader. The Lord says in verse 14, "Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast ^ainquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time." I immediately felt the Spirit confirm that I also fell in this category. The Spirit was speaking to me and I was following. If it had not been so, I would not be in the place that I was then.

This was an important lesson for me to learn. It is not necessary for me to be instructed in every matter. In fact, such instruction would be counter-productive to my progression as an individual. I have a good head on my shoulders, I know the commandments of God, and with those tools I can work through just about any problem that is placed in front of me. Sometimes I may want and seek actual direction in my life. I have found that, for me, it is not given often. And I think that is the way that it is supposed to be.

Anyway, I better get back to studying. I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am grateful for the gradual progression. I really do feel like life is making me into a better person. I know that progression is only due to the Atonement of Christ. I'm grateful to go through hard things that make me want to change and be better. It's not fun but I know it's good.

Well, that's what I've been thinking. I'm not even proof reading this so sorry if it doesn't make sense at all. :)

I am a Relief Society teacher (women's organization) in my ward. I am really grateful for this calling. I am teaching today about the doctrine of baptism. This is not a doctrine which I have thought about in much depth recently. I don't even think before today I really had a spiritual witness of the covenants that I made the day that I was baptized. I am so grateful for the Spirit. That it teaches line upon line and precept upon precept. I am grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ. I know that He stands at it's head. I am grateful for the Priesthood which my father holds. With the authority, which traces directly back to Jesus Christ, that it gives him he was able to baptize me in the name of Jesus Christ. I didn't fully understand the covenants that I was making that day. I'm not sure that I still fully understand them. But I was struck today as I prepared for this lesson by the beauty of the pure doctrine of Christ. I love the Book of Mormon scripture Mosiah 5:8-9:

"And under this head ye are made free, and there is no other head whereby ye can be made free. There is no other name given whereby salvation cometh; therefore, I would that ye should take upon you the name of Christ, all you that have entered into the covenant with God that ye should be obedient unto the end of your lives. And it shall come to pass that whosoever doeth this shall be found at the right hand of God, for he shall know the name by which he is called; for he shall be called by the name of Christ."

When I read this I feel like the people of Alma who clapped their hands for joy at the thought of taking upon them the name of Christ. It also reminds me of a scripture a little later on in the book of Mosiah. Mosiah 26:18 reads, "Yea, blessed is this people who are willing to bear my name; for in my name shall they be called; and they are mine." How blessed I am to know have taken on the name of Jesus Christ. I hope that I can be true the the name by which I am called. I am so grateful that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored in it's fullness. I know that it is true. Like most things which are true, it is simple and beautiful. How grateful I am for it.

You've got a friend in me :)

I can't think of anything much worse than losing a friend. Well, that's not really true. I guess there are lots of things worse than losing a friend. Like genocide and people starving to death. So, I guess what I mean is, I don't think that I've dealt with many things that are harder than having a close friend decide that they don't want to be a part of your life anymore. I know that makes it sound like I haven't gone through much. I probably haven't and I'm okay with that :).

I've just been thinking about friendship a lot lately. About times that I've let people down and times that I've been let down. The more that I think about it the more I realize that people aren't perfect. We let each other down. We say and think things that we shouldn't. And yet, if we limited our friendships only to those people who were perfect friends we wouldn't have any at all. My new goal is to be a more tolerant friend. Someone who is more charitable. And I can only hope for charity in return. Because I am one of the most flawed people I know. I am constantly making mistakes. And if I make so many mistakes how can I expect others not to?

On a lighter note, I hate baking. It's true. With cooking I can just throw caution to the wind. Throw in a little of this and a little of that and it is always delicious. Tried that with baking today... Not so successful. Anyone want some gross pumpkin chocolate chip cookies?

Science is Sexy

"Science moves with the spirit of an adventure characterized both by youthful arrogance and by the belief that truth, once found, would be simple as well as pretty." --James D. Watson

A friend posted this video, produced by Harvard grad students, on her facebook wall. It's a movie that I've seen at least ten times. And each time I see it I am amazed and awed by the complexity and beauty of life. Our bodies are incredible. I love science so much. I don't fully understand the whole process but I'll give you a little narrative.

The movie details the process of diapedesis, or the traversal of a white blood cell across the blood vessel wall into the tissue in response to infection. White blood cells roll across the blood vessel. When an infection or cellular injury happens cytokines are secreted which are sensed by the rolling cell. The cytokines cause changes within the cell. These changes result in gene transcription into mRNA, translation into protein, and shipment to the cell membrane where they are inserted. The inserted receptors cause the cell to slow down and slip through the junction between cells in the blood vessel allowing the white blood cell to get out and fight the bad guys. Science is beautiful!

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What you call love...

Another thing I think a lot about... relationships :). But don't worry, this is a completely philosophical post. Guster's new album has a song entitled "What you call love." The lyrics are poignant to me:

What you call love, is just urgency
What you call love is a place to turn in an emergency
Would you give up when its not what you want it to be?
But thats not love, what you call love

I like the song a lot. Over the past year I have thought a lot about relationships, particularly of the romantic variety. And I've decided, with some help from others, that we put too much stock in the Hollywood 'Californication' of marriage. (Look at me and my song references :). I'm not sure that I really believe in 'falling in love'. What does that mean anyway? Isn't it pretty much just hot, steamy lust? really is there anything passive about love? Love is a verb not a noun. You don't just fall into it. And what does a relationship based on lust give way to? Well, if the two people involved are committed to marriage, ultimately the relationship will likely progress to a long-term, enduring, warm, deep friendship. The intense, passionate feelings don't last. Intense passion is not the mark of love. And thus one who falls out of intense passion is not falling out of love but rather was probably never in love to begin with. Passion is selfish. It isn't about love at all. People don't fall out of love. Real love is not conditional. People who marry without realizing that love and passion are not the same thing have a hard lesson to learn. One that may very well end in divorce with each partner unsure of how or when they just weren't 'in love' anymore because really, they were never in love at all.

So what about people who don't fall in love? Is it possible for two people who share a warm friendship to come to the same place that people who are 'in love' do? Absolutely. I really do believe that two righteous individuals who share similar values can be and are just as happy as people who 'fall in love'.

My roommate asked me yesterday what three characteristics I want in my marriage. I replied that I want a marriage just like my parents'. The three attributes that I listed were: affectionate, mutually respectful, and fun. I think appropriate affection is important. I want a hand to hold. I want a kiss now and again in front of the kids. My grandpa used to say that the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. I believe that is true from my experiences in my family. Secondly, I want a relationship built on respect for each other. I want us to be able to believe and talk about opinions that are different from each other in a respectful manner. I want us to be able to help the other reach their fullest potential and achieve their dreams. Thirdly, I want to laugh. All the time.

Anyway, this post is really disjointed. And I really should probably get back to this take home test I'm avoiding :). Some day this whole relationship thing is going to work out. Until then I'm going to actively force thoughts about this kind of stuff out of my mind and focus on grad school. I've got lots to do. :)

What is a friend?

Over the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be a true friend. I have had several really good friends. I think that a true friend possesses the following attributes:

1. A true friend is true at all times. They do not gossip or share confidential information that you have disclosed to them. They love you and so they defend you if someone is speaking badly of you. If they make a mistake and disclose something that they shouldn't it is always well-intentioned, ie, they are trying to do something they think will help you.
2. They want to spend time with you. You enjoy spending time together. You laugh a lot but also have real, meaningful conversation when you're together. They return phone calls, text messages, emails, and IMs when they receive them. They also initiate these things. Communication is vital for friendship. It is the way that friends convey that they care about each other.
3. They make you want to be a better person. They build you and make you better for being in their presence. They believe that you are a better person than you think you are and thus, help you see your potential.

4. This is an attribute that I struggle with but is nonetheless an attribute of a true friend: You have an open relationship. When one of you is offended or frustrated with a situation you are able to discuss it with the other in a healthy manner. You can be direct with your friend and know that they will return the same courtesy to you.

Well, I'm in lab and I need to go finish my assay. But I've been blessed with some really amazing friends. And I love you guys. Thanks for being who you are. I hope that I, in turn, can be the kind of friend that you have been to me.

Atlanta living

So, I am now 3.2 months in to my graduate career. It's been a fun journey thus far. I love Atlanta. The ward here is great. Since moving here I have: gone white water rafting, gone to the world's biggest aquarium, eaten lunch at a 72nd floor restaurant that rotates around the Atlanta skyline, sat on the front row and in the club section at Braves games, drove good friends in a 27 hour 200 mile relay race, and made some really great friends! Coming soon to the list: hiking the AT (yeah, I'm in the know. That's the Appalachian Trail :). Pretty freaking sweet life. I'm glad that I'm here!

My roommate is Gina Lenzi. She is in my grad program with me and is super cool. We met during interview weekend. She bought a condo 1.3 miles from Emory. I walk to and from school through the most beautiful park every day. The weather has finally cooled off and it's absolutely beautiful here now!

I'm doing well. I'm very blessed to be where I am. I'm working hard and playing harder. It's a great life!

Musings

So, I'm going to write an entry that has nothing to do with my dating life or lack thereof! I hope you're all excited... All three of you ;)

So, the other day I had an interesting conversation about religion with a guy I work with. He is a self-proclaimed agnostic/atheist. We spoke for an hour about different aspects of religion and faith. He contests that faith is not logical or empirical; that the concept of revelation is but a circular argument that cannot be contested or verified by logical means. The second point that he made is that there are no universal moral laws. He asserted that a law, to be a law, must be absolutely and irresistibly followed, as in the law of gravity. I tried my best to explain where and how faith comes but my answers seemed insufficient. Don't be thinking badly of this guy though. The conversation was very amicable. But the conversation got me thinking. I hope that I'll be able to convey those thoughts in words.

For the past year I have been studying the impact of methamphetamine on dopamine terminals in the brain. METH causes a reversal of the dopamine transport and also acts on the vesicular monamine transporter 2 which increases dopamine both intra- and extra-celluraly. Dopamine is highly reactive and quickly forms reactive oxygen species which damage the nerve terminal and can lead to long-term dopamingeric loss. Now, that seems all well and good, though slightly irrelevant to the paragraph immediately preceding this one. The point is this - a year and a half ago if someone had told me this information I may or may not have been inclined to believe them. They could be pulling garbage out of the air for all I knew. Not until I began investigating for myself was I able to understand many truths about how METH acts on dopaminergic neurons. I know that these things are truths now because I have seen the data, I have experienced it for myself. And just because I don't understand every aspect of neural transmission fully doesn't mean that I give the whole subject up completely. It just means that there is more work to be done; there is more to be studied, more to investigate.

The scientific method is not really just for science. It is a method of uncovering truth, in whatever category it may be labelled. My favorite chapter in the Book of Mormon deals with the concept of experimenting with religious truth. A prophet named Alma, teaching on the American continent prior to the birth of Christ counseled, "But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words." (Alma 32:27). Alma counsels us to do the same thing that scientists the world over do daily, to allow our desire to know truth propel us to action and experimentation. He goes on to outline how to control for a religious experiment and how to ultimately find truth. Finding spiritual truth is much like finding scientific truth, one must start at the bottom wrung of the truth ladder and ascend step by step. I was able to understand METH's actions quickly only because previously I had put A LOT of time, effort, and desire into understanding science. Truth is never found without sincere, honest work. The same is true for the knowledge that I have of God - His existence, His Son, His plan. I know these things in a very real sense because I experimented and found truth. There is much more spiritual truth that I have left to acquire but my lack of knowledge in some things cannot erase my surety of others. I promise that anyone who desires to know of the truthfulness of God's existence and love and how it transforms lives can, if they will but muster the courage and desire to want to believe and let that desire work in them until it drives them to spiritual experimentation which always yields spiritual results.

The second point my friend made was that there are no absolute moral laws. I think the point that he was trying to make is that a law, in order to be classified as a law, must be universal. He suggested that in order to be universal, we must not be able to disobey a law. He cited the law of gravity as such a law. No matter how we try, we are always subject to the laws of gravity, we cannot choose to disobey it. I would tend to agree with the argument that law must be universal. The laws of God are more than societal implementations given by heads of state to control the masses. Let me give another example. There is a health law that just about everyone in the modern world understands. You would be hard pressed to find someone who didn't know that smoking a pack of cigarettes a day increases your chances of getting lung cancer astronomically. Yet, a hundred years ago this health "law" wasn't known. Regardless of the fact that no one understood the law they were still impacted by its reality. This is the universal aspect of the law. Unlike the law of gravity, smoking is a choice. If I choose to smoke, I accept the consequences of that action. If I choose not to smoke I reap the benefits of the law. The laws of God are the same way. Our agency, or the ability to choose, is vital to the plan of God. Therefore, His laws allow us the ability to choose but not the freedom to determine the consequences of our choices. In the end, when we choose to follow Him we find happiness and joy and when we choose not to follow him we find sadness and misery.

Anyway, those are my musings. Kind of a long post. Hope it wasn't too boring :)

So, since when did facebook turn in to a dating site? It feels like LDSsingles all over again. Yes, sigh, I had an online account for 1.7 months (I couldn't actually bring myself to go on a date with anyone though... the whole they might be a serial killer thing...). Back to fb. I get a friend request from this guy I don't recognize. I look and see that he's from my hometown and we have nine mutual friends. So, I'm thinking, oh it's another one of those people I have no idea who are but we went to high school together. No big deal right? Confirm. So then I get a message from this guy saying, basically, I thought I knew you but I don't but you're cute so let's be friends. It was nice. It made me smile. I even thought about writing him back. Then, two hours later, he IMs me. Too much buddy. I'm feeling a little stalked. Maybe I'm being hypersensitive. Maybe I'm just really not interested in guys right now. But I had absolutely no desire to talk to him and I didn't. I'm such a jerk. Oh well. I've been crabby all day.

On a different note, my housing in Atlanta worked out tonight! It's a little pricey but beautiful. It's a townhome 1.6 miles from the Emory campus. It's 2 bed/2.5 bath. A girl that I roomed with during interviews at Emory who was also accepted is buying it. It should be fun. Anyway, that's about all I know. Over and out.

Ryanne will be so happy

Oh look, Ryanne, a new post!!! Pretty sure you're the only one who looks at this. That's okay, cause I love your face!!!

So, I've been home sick for a whole week, and am finally starting to feel better so I thought I'd update this thing.

Lots has been going on lately. I have two weeks of work left and then I'm off to Korea for two and a half weeks. I'm home for ten days and then off to Atlanta, Georgia to pursue a PhD in molecular and systems pharmacology. I'm really nervous and really excited.

I've been thinking a lot about the decisions and circumstances that have led me to embark on this great adventure. Some things have not been what I though I wanted - like the boy I loved getting married to someone else in a week. Some things have been fantastic - my amazing boss and job, my mentors at BYU. All in all, the good and the bad, I'm glad that I am where I am today. I look at my friends who got married when they were 18 or 19 and I'm so glad that I didn't have to make that choice. I'm really glad that I've had the time to figure out who I am before jumping in to such a life altering decision. I'm excited to pursue my own dreams. Hopefully somewhere in that course I'll be able to find me an awesome man!

I have this Salt Lake theory. Salt Lake, the Mormon epicenter, is a great place for young single adults to congregate. I think that there are probably somewhere in the vicinity of 2-300,000 YSAs on the wasatch front, maybe more. My theory is that this great number is problematic. Those guys/girls in your ward - they're all right, but there's probably someone better out there than this person. And so you break up and let your need for perfection keep you from being happy with someone who may not be perfect but has a testimony and is trying to do what's right. Anyway, that shouldn't be a problem in GA. There is one singles ward in all of Atlanta with about 100 active members. I've been once. There definitely aren't as many cute boys as in Salt Lake, but there aren't NEARLY as many cute girls either... So it all works out!

Anyway, I'm excited for my adventures. I feel like Atlanta is the place where I'm supposed to be so I'm just going to jump in with both feet and figure it out as I go. Love you all!